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I wrote this post in November 2017 and never posted it.
On one hand, I felt like I didn’t have to write an entire post to justify our decisions and on the other hand, I felt I should write something because I want to advocate for those who don’t have a platform. I want advocate for those women in the same boat as me and to bring awareness of how words matter to someone who you may not know is struggling.
It’s time to open up about our family.
I turned 30 earlier this year (again, this was written November 2017, I’m 32 now). The big milestone age that really solidifies you’re an adult and you’re getting older. It’s also the age where you get pounded with questions about when you’re having kids and whether or not it’s in your near future. It’s the age that if you haven’t had kids by now then you gotta start popping them out otherwise “it’ll be too late.”
I don’t understand why society pressures women to have children. Mainly, most women who have children tirelessly question women who are childfree. Is it a societal faux pas to not have children? Am I not contributing to society if I don’t have children? Why do women need to have children to be seen as human beings? Really, why is this such an issue in this day and age?
We all have our own stories regarding children and our desires to have them or not – including those who have struggled to have them and those who may have lost them. Everyone has a story and behind every story there is bravery and courage to tell that story. Here is my story and maybe one that someone out there can relate to as well.
From a very young age, I would always say to my mom, “I really don’t like kids, I don’t want them, ever.”
At that time, of course she would say that I would change my mind and that I’m too young to fully understand what I want and don’t want. That’s valid but I also think that that was the beginning of my childfree journey whether I knew it then or not.
Looking back at all the times I had interactions with babies as a kid, I don’t ever recall myself thinking they were cute or that I can’t wait to have one of my own to hold and nurture. I wasn’t ever really interested in babies. I let other people fawn over them and I just stood off to the side and glanced over their shoulder and pretended like I cared.
All my friends in middle school and high school started babysitting. I felt as if I was missing out so I wanted to do the same. However, my reasons were far different than their reasons. I’m sure we all did it for money but that’s all I ever wanted to do it for. I wasn’t necessarily trying to learn how to be a caregiver. In fact, my first babysitting gig went so horribly wrong (I had to call the parents and they had to end their date early) that I never did it again.
For years, even before I got married (and now divorced), I have always said to my parents that I don’t want children. They insisted I’d change my mind.
When I got a dog, you could tell they were disappointed. But they still hold on to that little glimmer of hope that one day I’ll change my mind and have children. They still think I’ll regret the decision of not having children and they still think I’ll be a great mom and how selfish I’d be if I didn’t have children.
Most parents (mine included) have a very structured and societal standard of life: college, marriage, pop out babies before you’re 30. I think I threw a complete wrench into that last “to do” and they aren’t sure how to deal with it.
Will I see grandkids before I die?
You don’t know what you’re missing out on.
You would be such a great mom; look at you with Winston!
You’re selfish if you don’t want kids.
You’ll regret it.
Is Jason okay with this decision?
Don’t worry, you’ll want them one day.
You won’t have anyone to take care of you when you’re older.
What are you going to do instead?
You know, all these hypotheticals would make more sense if I actually did want to become a mother but alas, I have no desire to. It has not come with time and I don’t think it ever will.
As “selfish” as one is going to label me – I love my life right now. I love being able to travel and do whatever I want at the drop of a hat. My priorities right now are not caregiving and raising children. My priorities right now are nurturing my business and my life.
Guilting me won’t work and quite frankly, it’s so wrong. On many levels. So wrong. I’d rather have a child and know that I truly wanted them than to have a child just to satisfy some societal standard or to satisfy someone else’s desires. You know what that leads to? Resentment.
I don’t hate [your] kids.
Just because I don’t have kids doesn’t mean I hate your kids.
I have so many friends that have little ones and I embrace them and never mind if they’re tagging along for dinner or coming over to hang out. I love little people! I just don’t want my own.
Many women can’t have kids.
I know of far too many infertility stories of close friends.
I want to create awareness when you ask another woman, “do you have kids?” or “do you want kids?” or “when are you having kids?”
You have zero clue what their struggles may be.
I recently got asked, “are you childless by choice?”
What if I wasn’t childless by choice? What if at one point I had been trying and been unsuccessful?
What kind of wound would you have reopened or poured salt into?
Please be aware of what you ask other women.
“Is _____ getting a little brother or sister?”
This is another one I hear passively asked to a child or a mother.
They already have one child; are you trying to say that one isn’t enough?
What is it even implying?
Does everyone have to have a sibling? Is an only child such a terrible thing?
I understand the curiosity and the seemingly innocent question but again, you don’t know what this family may or may not be going through.
Stop the judgement
Everyone has their own story, their own choices, and their own opinions.
I respect that and I also ask for the same back.
I feel that as women, we have to support one another rather than bring each other down.
There is so much other shit going on in the world that my decision on not having children should really be the least of your worries.
Can I change my mind? Sure, I’ve got time.
For now? I’m happy with where I am in life and I’m happy to be childfree.
Your path is your own without ever needing to explain…just walk it authentically. You are a wise woman.
thank you!
I appreciate and agree totally with your thoughts. Having children is a huge responsibility that never goes away. If you are not 100% ready or willing, don’t have them. Life is as fulfilling as you make it! Enjoy yours!
thank you!!! i love that.
Yes yes yes yes YES. That is all.
?
Thank you for this. I’ve known several people who’ve had children just because that’s what you’re “supposed ” to do, and while I don’t doubt they love their children, you can tell there’s an underlying resentment about being a parent. I myself have one child – and got asked repeatedly why we didn’t qive him siblings. My pregnancy was awful, I verged on preeclampsia, and I hemorrhaged badly enough after I gave birth that there was talk of blood transfusions before I’d be allowed to go home. It scared me off of having any more. I used to be that person who would ask “when are you having kids?” but after having several friends who miscarried, I realized what an asshole question that can be. Now, I’ll ask if someone has kids in the same way I’ll ask if they’re married or have pets and leave it at that.
Ugh, so sorry. Thanks for sharing, though, as it may draw awareness for those that constantly ask this question…like, maybe there is a reason why someone doesn’t want additional kids. Perhaps they can’t, perhaps they had a rough pregnancy with the first one and don’t want to go through it again, perhaps something happened during delivery that caused them to not be pregnant again…there are so many possibilities and so many chances for wounds to be reopened.
U just wrote everything that have been pouring in my mind all these years… Yes !! I got no interest in kids and that doesn’t means I hate children..I don’t want my own…my God all those questions people ask … This feels like my heart wrote this article…I completely get u…and just go ahead …and live happily forever…and it’s always be sweet home and happy family with just two of u❤️?
Thank you, you too!!
Proud of you for sharing something that isnt talked about hardly ever! I was just like you… NEVER babysat… don’t love babies and never have a desire to hold them… I’m so far from the nurturing type… I’m just not domestic at ALL! Our story is different though… because Michael really wanted kids and even though I wasn’t drawn to them, deep down, I had a feeling that my own baby would be different. It was scary… but I didn’t even feel connected to Evy until she was literally laid on my chest. I didn’t even feel “motherly” when I was pregnant which isnt normal! My entire life changed the moment she was born. I still don’t like other babies. ?I have to force myself to hold my sister’s babies and that seems odd to me but that’s just how I’m wired I guess. There’s nothing wrong with me and there’s nothing wrong with you! I used to think there was something missing from my genetic makeup because I didn’t like babies like every other woman on the planet but that’s just not true. So while my story is different and we consider this season of our life the absolute best being parents, I understand a snippet of the way you feel. It’s wise to really know yourself and not enter into a season you really don’t desire. ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks, Katelyn! I’m so thankful that you’re sharing a different side of this story. One that I did not even touch on: not wanting kids but having them and knowing that having your own baby would be different. I love your honesty that you don’t even like holding your sister’s babies and that you still don’t like other babies. I agree; there is nothing wrong with either of us…it’s just different seasons and our decisions. Thanks for sharing, sweet friend. So appreciate your insight!!
Oh Julie!!! I am so happy you wrote this ! I’ve written drafts of a post like this and I admit I’ve been too scared to post it . I was in such a bad headspace about this when I turned 30. I was so angry at people for riding me about it , that quite honestly I sometimes didn’t know if I was just rebelling against societal norms and people telling me what to do or if this was still my decision. The answer came when I became an aunt. I love my nephew with all of my heart. I would give that kid a kidney and if you fully understood my fear of needles you’d know how much that is. You’d think that would mean that I’d want to run off and get pregnant, but no. Though I might sometimes long to see him with a human cousin (I mean he has Stanley) I look at the time we’ve had together and it’s so unique and special. When my sister needs a little break or he needs picked up from daycare – I am right there without a worry that I have to deal with my own kids. He is becoming the best little friend I never knew I needed. I am EXACTLY where I am supposed to be. Aunt ended up being the title I was meant to have and every bit of angst left me this year when I realized that. We may not have a traditional set up, but he gets the full undivided attention of an Aunt and Uncle that spoil him like the kid they will never have and that is something too.
I just felt..why am I sitting on this? I need to just get it out there because I know others can relate and I know the heartbreak of others, too. My whole goal is to just make people AWARE. I hear ya – sometimes I feel like I’m rebelling against societal norms but then many times, I’m just like…I NEVER liked kids nor wanted them..why force myself into resentment? Like you, I have many friends who have little kids and I have nephews and nieces. I can dote on them and then return them to their parents, haha..love you girl. You know I’ve always got your back!
As someone who has 2 kids and would someday like a 3rd i just wanted to say that I love when women and couples make a choice to not have children and are able to stand by it because its YOUR CHOICE! I don’t think its selfish at all! I think it is making a choice as an adult to live your life a certain way and being totally happy with that choice. People are completely different and choose to live lives different ways. Just because i want a house full of kids doesn’t mean others do too. I’m always very aware to never ask if a woman/couple are going to have a baby because you never know there situation.
Thanks for the support, Megan! And, it’s your choice whether you want more kids or not. I love being able to be confident in my decision and to make a choice that is our own. That’s the beauty in life; it’s just hard sometimes when society thinks otherwise :) xx
I think it’s awesome that you and Jason know what you want. My husband and I have one son, he’s almost 4. I really don’t know if we are going to have another. We, as of right now, are totally fine with just 1. But I am asked by everyone if we’re going to have more.
We just took our son for a haircut and the woman cutting his hair randomly asked if we were having more. I know she was just making smalltalk but still. I feel a sense of guilt for being unsure.
There’s this pressure to have kids, but not just one. You’re expected to pop out at least two. We are getting more confident in how we feel, but that societal pressure is a real bitch. I say kudos to y’all!
Thanks Victoria! It’s strange that people assume that if you have 1, you’ll want more. 1 CAN be enough; everyone’s decisions are their own and it’s okay if you don’t know right now. Do what is right for your family. Societal pressure, be gone!
It may sound crazy but i´m glad that you are childless by choice. It means that you are not in the position of can´t have them… As you say yourself, that would be very sad. My sister in law struggles with that and i´m so sad for her. Since then i don´t ask women anymore about having kids. But i admit i did so before. For me, i´m glad that i have my little monster/angel but i´m struggling a bit with the idea of having another (being a mother is not easy), and yes it´s hard to try to explain it every time someone is asking me. So thank you for your post!! Again, i´m glad it´s your choice. There is so much happiness out there, with or without kids!! Love!!
I don’t fault people for asking when they don’t know any better but I’m hoping with more articles like this and more awareness, that sort of question becomes something that isn’t asked. It’s just so private. It’s essentially asking how your sex life is, lol