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I wrote this post in November 2017 and never posted it.
On one hand, I felt like I didn’t have to write an entire post to justify our decisions and on the other hand, I felt I should write something because I want to advocate for those who don’t have a platform. I want advocate for those women in the same boat as me and to bring awareness of how words matter to someone who you may not know is struggling.
It’s time to open up about our family.
I turned 30 earlier this year (again, this was written November 2017, I’m 32 now). The big milestone age that really solidifies you’re an adult and you’re getting older. It’s also the age where you get pounded with questions about when you’re having kids and whether or not it’s in your near future. It’s the age that if you haven’t had kids by now then you gotta start popping them out otherwise “it’ll be too late.”
I don’t understand why society pressures women to have children. Mainly, most women who have children tirelessly question women who are childfree. Is it a societal faux pas to not have children? Am I not contributing to society if I don’t have children? Why do women need to have children to be seen as human beings? Really, why is this such an issue in this day and age?
We all have our own stories regarding children and our desires to have them or not – including those who have struggled to have them and those who may have lost them. Everyone has a story and behind every story there is bravery and courage to tell that story. Here is my story and maybe one that someone out there can relate to as well.
From a very young age, I would always say to my mom, “I really don’t like kids, I don’t want them, ever.”
At that time, of course she would say that I would change my mind and that I’m too young to fully understand what I want and don’t want. That’s valid but I also think that that was the beginning of my childfree journey whether I knew it then or not.
Looking back at all the times I had interactions with babies as a kid, I don’t ever recall myself thinking they were cute or that I can’t wait to have one of my own to hold and nurture. I wasn’t ever really interested in babies. I let other people fawn over them and I just stood off to the side and glanced over their shoulder and pretended like I cared.
All my friends in middle school and high school started babysitting. I felt as if I was missing out so I wanted to do the same. However, my reasons were far different than their reasons. I’m sure we all did it for money but that’s all I ever wanted to do it for. I wasn’t necessarily trying to learn how to be a caregiver. In fact, my first babysitting gig went so horribly wrong (I had to call the parents and they had to end their date early) that I never did it again.
For years, even before I got married (and now divorced), I have always said to my parents that I don’t want children. They insisted I’d change my mind.
When I got a dog, you could tell they were disappointed. But they still hold on to that little glimmer of hope that one day I’ll change my mind and have children. They still think I’ll regret the decision of not having children and they still think I’ll be a great mom and how selfish I’d be if I didn’t have children.
Most parents (mine included) have a very structured and societal standard of life: college, marriage, pop out babies before you’re 30. I think I threw a complete wrench into that last “to do” and they aren’t sure how to deal with it.
Will I see grandkids before I die?
You don’t know what you’re missing out on.
You would be such a great mom; look at you with Winston!
You’re selfish if you don’t want kids.
You’ll regret it.
Is Jason okay with this decision?
Don’t worry, you’ll want them one day.
You won’t have anyone to take care of you when you’re older.
What are you going to do instead?
You know, all these hypotheticals would make more sense if I actually did want to become a mother but alas, I have no desire to. It has not come with time and I don’t think it ever will.
As “selfish” as one is going to label me – I love my life right now. I love being able to travel and do whatever I want at the drop of a hat. My priorities right now are not caregiving and raising children. My priorities right now are nurturing my business and my life.
Guilting me won’t work and quite frankly, it’s so wrong. On many levels. So wrong. I’d rather have a child and know that I truly wanted them than to have a child just to satisfy some societal standard or to satisfy someone else’s desires. You know what that leads to? Resentment.
I don’t hate [your] kids.
Just because I don’t have kids doesn’t mean I hate your kids.
I have so many friends that have little ones and I embrace them and never mind if they’re tagging along for dinner or coming over to hang out. I love little people! I just don’t want my own.
Many women can’t have kids.
I know of far too many infertility stories of close friends.
I want to create awareness when you ask another woman, “do you have kids?” or “do you want kids?” or “when are you having kids?”
You have zero clue what their struggles may be.
I recently got asked, “are you childless by choice?”
What if I wasn’t childless by choice? What if at one point I had been trying and been unsuccessful?
What kind of wound would you have reopened or poured salt into?
Please be aware of what you ask other women.
“Is _____ getting a little brother or sister?”
This is another one I hear passively asked to a child or a mother.
They already have one child; are you trying to say that one isn’t enough?
What is it even implying?
Does everyone have to have a sibling? Is an only child such a terrible thing?
I understand the curiosity and the seemingly innocent question but again, you don’t know what this family may or may not be going through.
Stop the judgement
Everyone has their own story, their own choices, and their own opinions.
I respect that and I also ask for the same back.
I feel that as women, we have to support one another rather than bring each other down.
There is so much other shit going on in the world that my decision on not having children should really be the least of your worries.
Can I change my mind? Sure, I’ve got time.
For now? I’m happy with where I am in life and I’m happy to be childfree.
OMG. I am 100% in the same boat with just not ever having felt like I wanted my own kids. Since I was a child, I have always thought “ehhh if I do end up having any, maybe I’ll adopt?” … well lo and behold, we are trying to have kids (my husband is HELLA BABY HUNGRY and I’m like, basically ok with the idea of having a baby) but it turns out I have lots of things going on in my nethers that are preventing it. I am NOT up for crazy expensive and horrific procedures… either it happens naturally or it doesn’t for me. But I just wonder if, on some level, I always knew this would happen, so my brain was sparing me? Anyways, it’s so weird that you would post this today because EARLIER THIS MORNING I was thinking about how next time my in laws hassle me about kids, I’m going to say, “why don’t you take this up with your son. Turns out he is gay and I can’t get him to have sex with me.” LMAO
HAHAHA omg, i would love to be a fly on the wall with that conversation. or even to the point of like…”so, you are interested in our sex life. that’s cool. which is your fav position to conceive? maybe it’s a position we haven’t tried yet” – pretty sure that’ll get them to shut up LOL
Julie,
I’m sorry that anyone would think that suck a personal thing would be anyone else’s business. I am a mother of 3 however I have ALWAYS respected the fact that I don’t belong in my children’s bedroom much less anyone else’s. I think all of you that are subjected to such thoughtless people should ask them why they had children as most spend a lot of their time looking for ways to escape them. It’s a fact! Or complaining of how tired they are and on and on. PLEASE LADIES you owe NO ONE an explanation. I admire the fact that you make your own choice good for you. Enjoy your life however you choose.
thank you!
I’m a mom to a 4 yo and have another on the way. Never do I agree with people guilt tripping women about not having kids! It’s your life, you do what’s right for you and your family. Kids aren’t for everyone, and that’s ok. Society needs to be ok with that.
After we had our daughter, it didn’t take long at all for people to start asking when we were going to have a second. We honestly considered just having one child. It was so frustrating having people to tell us “she shouldn’t be an only child, don’t do that to her!” ? We waited almost 4 years to try for a second, and that was our choice. I don’t fault anybody for wanting only 1 kid, 10 kids, or even no kids!
“don’t do that to her” – please tell me what it would “do” to her. ugh, so sorry to hear about that!
Thank you for posting this! I’m 39 and I’ve been married for 15 years and I still get asked constantly why I don’t have kids. It was a conscious decision that my husband and I have made. I just don’t have the maternal desire and I would never want to bring a child into the world without wanting the child. This is not a popular view, but it’s how I feel and I think that should be okay. Know that your decision is your decision. I support my friends who have 4+ kids, those who foster/adopt, and those who are struggling to get pregnant; all I’m asking is that people also support the choice to not have children.
yes, 100%. i wish people would support the choice to not have children as they support the choice to have children. it’s so imbalanced.
Good for you for knowing what’s good for you and not allowing other people’s expectations dictate the life you live.
I’ve been married for 26yrs and we are childless. Initially it was because we couldn’t conceive but we later realized we were ok with it. We prefer being aunt and uncle over mother and father.
We both understand the time p, energy, and finances that is required in raising children. We didn’t want to struggle in all those areas for the rest pot our lives. We share our time, energy, and finances with god children, nieces, and nephews as we can. Then we go home and save up for the next time. They’re able to get the best of us rather than the leftovers.
We are secure in status and realize that deep down, those who show pity actually envy us.
yes to all of this! i hear this so very often from others, too. thank you for writing and sharing!
I applaud you and Jason for not having children. I have 2 children and love them dearly. They are with significant others and if they don’t want kids…I’ll applaud them too. Children are a huge commitment for life! I have been a teacher for 25 years and there are many people who really shouldn’t be parents. Embrace what family means to you in whatever capacity that it. As for who will take care of my husband and I when we’re old? I’ll hire someone ?
haha, good deal!
You are brave for sharing this and are no less of a woman for not wanting kids. You are right, the judgement and questions need to stop it’s not helpful to anyone! Someone asked me weeks after I had Hallie when I was having another and I had JUST given birth. Let’s encourage each other and share when we would like and not pressure one another. You are living a beautiful satisfying and IMPACTFUL life. I love you and support you! Also, love the family pic ?!
that’s crazy people asked you that about Hallie!! geez. simmer down! thank you, friend! love you and thanks for all our family photos!!
I love this post! I have one human baby and would take one million dogs over another human baby. It’s insane that like 6 months after you have a baby people are asking you about a sibling. Also – I appreciate and love my childless friends more than ever. They are the people I look to most frequently since I don’t just want to talk about my baby 24/7. Also, please have another meet up so I can leave my baby home with my husband – lol.
HAHAHA, this comment. i will be planning one soon!
I hear you. I’m childless by choice and I have heard every question, and judgement, you have brought up. At one point, to get people to stop asking, I regularly told people that we work on it ALL of the time. “Do you want details?” is how I’d finish and gradually the questions would stop being asked by those I know. Strangers still asked something or other – really, how rude to ask something so personal. I had to have a hysterectomy last year due to a cancer diagnosis and it was an easy decision since I didn’t want to have kids. I’ve been mourning the loss of choice but not mourning being unable to carry a child. And now people keep telling me I can still adopt or get a surrogate. Ugh. It never ends.
oh Jenny, i’m so sorry to hear about this. i didn’t realize that and thank you for sharing your story. it’s so hurtful when people ask, i’m sure…i hope you can shed light and teach them a lesson about asking such personal questions.
Thanks for this post. I’m now 43, and struggled nearly all of my adult life with the questions, “when are you having kids” and the lectures from people who don’t know me about how much I’m missing out on. Listen. Whatever my reasons are, they’re mine. And I’m fairly certain my furbabies will never ask for me to pay for college, a wedding, or purposely break my heart. So whatever my reasons, it’s no one else’s business. So AMEN Julie Wampler. A. MEN.
sorry you had to deal with that; society just can’t deal with some of us not wanting to do exactly what others are doing.