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I wrote this post in November 2017 and never posted it.
On one hand, I felt like I didn’t have to write an entire post to justify our decisions and on the other hand, I felt I should write something because I want to advocate for those who don’t have a platform. I want advocate for those women in the same boat as me and to bring awareness of how words matter to someone who you may not know is struggling.
It’s time to open up about our family.
I turned 30 earlier this year (again, this was written November 2017, I’m 32 now). The big milestone age that really solidifies you’re an adult and you’re getting older. It’s also the age where you get pounded with questions about when you’re having kids and whether or not it’s in your near future. It’s the age that if you haven’t had kids by now then you gotta start popping them out otherwise “it’ll be too late.”
I don’t understand why society pressures women to have children. Mainly, most women who have children tirelessly question women who are childfree. Is it a societal faux pas to not have children? Am I not contributing to society if I don’t have children? Why do women need to have children to be seen as human beings? Really, why is this such an issue in this day and age?
We all have our own stories regarding children and our desires to have them or not – including those who have struggled to have them and those who may have lost them. Everyone has a story and behind every story there is bravery and courage to tell that story. Here is my story and maybe one that someone out there can relate to as well.
From a very young age, I would always say to my mom, “I really don’t like kids, I don’t want them, ever.”
At that time, of course she would say that I would change my mind and that I’m too young to fully understand what I want and don’t want. That’s valid but I also think that that was the beginning of my childfree journey whether I knew it then or not.
Looking back at all the times I had interactions with babies as a kid, I don’t ever recall myself thinking they were cute or that I can’t wait to have one of my own to hold and nurture. I wasn’t ever really interested in babies. I let other people fawn over them and I just stood off to the side and glanced over their shoulder and pretended like I cared.
All my friends in middle school and high school started babysitting. I felt as if I was missing out so I wanted to do the same. However, my reasons were far different than their reasons. I’m sure we all did it for money but that’s all I ever wanted to do it for. I wasn’t necessarily trying to learn how to be a caregiver. In fact, my first babysitting gig went so horribly wrong (I had to call the parents and they had to end their date early) that I never did it again.
For years, even before I got married (and now divorced), I have always said to my parents that I don’t want children. They insisted I’d change my mind.
When I got a dog, you could tell they were disappointed. But they still hold on to that little glimmer of hope that one day I’ll change my mind and have children. They still think I’ll regret the decision of not having children and they still think I’ll be a great mom and how selfish I’d be if I didn’t have children.
Most parents (mine included) have a very structured and societal standard of life: college, marriage, pop out babies before you’re 30. I think I threw a complete wrench into that last “to do” and they aren’t sure how to deal with it.
Will I see grandkids before I die?
You don’t know what you’re missing out on.
You would be such a great mom; look at you with Winston!
You’re selfish if you don’t want kids.
You’ll regret it.
Is Jason okay with this decision?
Don’t worry, you’ll want them one day.
You won’t have anyone to take care of you when you’re older.
What are you going to do instead?
You know, all these hypotheticals would make more sense if I actually did want to become a mother but alas, I have no desire to. It has not come with time and I don’t think it ever will.
As “selfish” as one is going to label me – I love my life right now. I love being able to travel and do whatever I want at the drop of a hat. My priorities right now are not caregiving and raising children. My priorities right now are nurturing my business and my life.
Guilting me won’t work and quite frankly, it’s so wrong. On many levels. So wrong. I’d rather have a child and know that I truly wanted them than to have a child just to satisfy some societal standard or to satisfy someone else’s desires. You know what that leads to? Resentment.
I don’t hate [your] kids.
Just because I don’t have kids doesn’t mean I hate your kids.
I have so many friends that have little ones and I embrace them and never mind if they’re tagging along for dinner or coming over to hang out. I love little people! I just don’t want my own.
Many women can’t have kids.
I know of far too many infertility stories of close friends.
I want to create awareness when you ask another woman, “do you have kids?” or “do you want kids?” or “when are you having kids?”
You have zero clue what their struggles may be.
I recently got asked, “are you childless by choice?”
What if I wasn’t childless by choice? What if at one point I had been trying and been unsuccessful?
What kind of wound would you have reopened or poured salt into?
Please be aware of what you ask other women.
“Is _____ getting a little brother or sister?”
This is another one I hear passively asked to a child or a mother.
They already have one child; are you trying to say that one isn’t enough?
What is it even implying?
Does everyone have to have a sibling? Is an only child such a terrible thing?
I understand the curiosity and the seemingly innocent question but again, you don’t know what this family may or may not be going through.
Stop the judgement
Everyone has their own story, their own choices, and their own opinions.
I respect that and I also ask for the same back.
I feel that as women, we have to support one another rather than bring each other down.
There is so much other shit going on in the world that my decision on not having children should really be the least of your worries.
Can I change my mind? Sure, I’ve got time.
For now? I’m happy with where I am in life and I’m happy to be childfree.
Thank you for this post! I’m 30 right now, I have moved out of state from where I was born and raised. My now husband and I lived together before marriage (because we could not afford to throw a wedding ourselves). All I heard from my relatives (who follow a very similar societal structure), “when will you get married?” I went from being a golden child, to being a complete embarrassment. It was so strange. We eventually fulfilled the outrageous 1-day event of marriage+ceremony. One would think all can be smooth sailing, but nope. Now, it’s when will my husband and I have kids. Lol! This post brings so much light. One does not know any person’s struggle, so it’s so crucial to remain kind, try out some humor, and just be in the present in the space which you share with others.
57 and no kids. Best decision I’ve ever made, and after seeing others give up everything just to have them, can’t understand why anyone wants them.
Thank you for your thoughts on this subject. As both you and other readers have ascertained, this is not a topic that fits well into conversation, as we constantly feel we have to defend our choice. We can even feel left out when the conversation turns to “guess what my child did last night?” I am 43 years old and, like many of the readers, knew from a young age that I didn’t want children. My husband, who is older than me and had 2 children from a previous marriage, said he would never deny me a child but that never changed my mind. As many others have stated, it’s not that I don’t like children – I am actually an elementary school teacher – I simply was not interested in the day-to-day work involved in raising a child. It is work, not an Instagram moment. Thankfully I never received any pressure from my parents. Raising a child is a huge sacrifice and I simply knew it was one I was not willing to make. I certainly see my colleagues who are up at the crack of dawn, motoring their kids to daycare, running down the hall 5 minutes late in time to do a full day’s work, only to dash out the door at day’s end to pick their kids up, feed them and deal with the nighttime routine of bath time, bed and making lunches. They are perpetually tired and are forced to take many days off work. No thank you! Some people may call this selfish. I call it, knowing my limits. As a teacher, I also see the effects of kids who are being raised by everyone else but their parents, spending long hours in daycare, summer camps, etc. I do believe that raising children is the hardest job in life and it’s only getting harder in this technological age. I’m certainly not advocating to not have children if that is your calling but I think more mothers-to-be really need to think about if they are truly prepared to bring a child into the world and raise them. As a final point, having a child is not an automatic guarantee that you will have someone to look after you in your aging years.
this is so true!! i love that you shared this insight.
Love this post!
Thank for writing this. I’ve been feeling so lost lately about my choice to be child free. All my friends and family are having children now and although I love them dearly I dont want one for myself and neither does my husband. We are feeling left out, like our lives/problems/worries are less important now and our friends are sticking with their other friends that have children and it is definitely a confusing time. I wonder if anyone else feels the same.
I hear you. I think the reason why friends stick with other friends that have children is simply for the fact that their kids can play together and also the fact that they probably think you and your husband don’t want to be around kids since you are child-free. My suggestion is to simply tell them that you don’t hate kids, and more specifically, you want to still hang out with them and definitely don’t mind kids being there. I think it’s just natural that parents with kids stick with other parents with kids b/c they assume it’s just b/c of the kid factor but if you let them know, they may understand.
Thank you for shedding light on how painful society’s questioning is to couples struggling with infertility. My partner and I choose not to have children, but I have many friends devastated by infertility. Yet they, just as myself, are asked daily when they’re having children. While I feel annoyed by the question, they feel, as you stated, salt in the wound.
I never wanted children. Never was particularly “domestically inclined.” I never played with baby dolls, never wanted an easy bake oven or one of those little mini kitchens that some of my friends had though I did enjoy it when those friends baked me little mini cakes…anyway – there are many reasons now that I am glad I don’t have kids but it all started when I was little, just never had that maternal thing. I have dogs, cats & horses and that’s all the “taking care of things” that I require. I have never regretted it. When I get old, I’ll deal with it, I don’t want anyone taking care of me anyway.
@L, I understand 100%. I was the same way. I was always told that I was not “normal.” In high school, boys would tell me that I didn’t react to things like “a normal girl.” I remember being a child and telling my parents and other adults that I did not want children, and they would say “Isn’t that cute??? She will change her mind” but I never did. I think I knew at a molecular level that I did not want to be a parent.
As a mother of three (ages 17, 14 and 10) and a person who dreamed of being a mother since I was a very young girl, I sooooo appreciate this post! Parenthood is one of the hardest jobs there is. I don’t understand why people push others on this topic? Parenthood is emotionally, financially and physically draining. My children are a blessing to me, but I decided to be a parent with my eyes wide open. The world is changing quickly, I don’t know that today I would choose to bring children in to the world for the fear of their future. I thank you for your honesty and candor. This is a question I avoid with friends and acquaintances because it’s none of my business and like several have stated the couple could be struggling with infertility or secondary infertility. Thank you again!
Thank you for this article! I couldn’t agree more!
I agree. I don’t think it is anybody’s right to ask childfree people all these questions. It’s really none of their business. What really upsets me is when they say “You won’t know what true love is until you have a child.” This is condescending especially for the women who wanted to have kids, but struggled with conceiving them and that is personal. They don’t have to share that. We don’t ask parents why they decided to have their children, they shouldn’t be asking those who are childfree why they didn’t.
Omg, I hate that the double standard that it is soooo offensive to ask parents why they had children and yet they feel they can always ask others why they don’t have children. I also really dislike the “you won’t know what true love is until you have had a child.” That’s total bullshit. True love means different things to different people. I’m glad parents think true love is children but true love for me is loving life and my dog.