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I wrote this post in November 2017 and never posted it.
On one hand, I felt like I didn’t have to write an entire post to justify our decisions and on the other hand, I felt I should write something because I want to advocate for those who don’t have a platform. I want advocate for those women in the same boat as me and to bring awareness of how words matter to someone who you may not know is struggling.
It’s time to open up about our family.
I turned 30 earlier this year (again, this was written November 2017, I’m 32 now). The big milestone age that really solidifies you’re an adult and you’re getting older. It’s also the age where you get pounded with questions about when you’re having kids and whether or not it’s in your near future. It’s the age that if you haven’t had kids by now then you gotta start popping them out otherwise “it’ll be too late.”
I don’t understand why society pressures women to have children. Mainly, most women who have children tirelessly question women who are childfree. Is it a societal faux pas to not have children? Am I not contributing to society if I don’t have children? Why do women need to have children to be seen as human beings? Really, why is this such an issue in this day and age?
We all have our own stories regarding children and our desires to have them or not – including those who have struggled to have them and those who may have lost them. Everyone has a story and behind every story there is bravery and courage to tell that story. Here is my story and maybe one that someone out there can relate to as well.
From a very young age, I would always say to my mom, “I really don’t like kids, I don’t want them, ever.”
At that time, of course she would say that I would change my mind and that I’m too young to fully understand what I want and don’t want. That’s valid but I also think that that was the beginning of my childfree journey whether I knew it then or not.
Looking back at all the times I had interactions with babies as a kid, I don’t ever recall myself thinking they were cute or that I can’t wait to have one of my own to hold and nurture. I wasn’t ever really interested in babies. I let other people fawn over them and I just stood off to the side and glanced over their shoulder and pretended like I cared.
All my friends in middle school and high school started babysitting. I felt as if I was missing out so I wanted to do the same. However, my reasons were far different than their reasons. I’m sure we all did it for money but that’s all I ever wanted to do it for. I wasn’t necessarily trying to learn how to be a caregiver. In fact, my first babysitting gig went so horribly wrong (I had to call the parents and they had to end their date early) that I never did it again.
For years, even before I got married (and now divorced), I have always said to my parents that I don’t want children. They insisted I’d change my mind.
When I got a dog, you could tell they were disappointed. But they still hold on to that little glimmer of hope that one day I’ll change my mind and have children. They still think I’ll regret the decision of not having children and they still think I’ll be a great mom and how selfish I’d be if I didn’t have children.
Most parents (mine included) have a very structured and societal standard of life: college, marriage, pop out babies before you’re 30. I think I threw a complete wrench into that last “to do” and they aren’t sure how to deal with it.
Will I see grandkids before I die?
You don’t know what you’re missing out on.
You would be such a great mom; look at you with Winston!
You’re selfish if you don’t want kids.
You’ll regret it.
Is Jason okay with this decision?
Don’t worry, you’ll want them one day.
You won’t have anyone to take care of you when you’re older.
What are you going to do instead?
You know, all these hypotheticals would make more sense if I actually did want to become a mother but alas, I have no desire to. It has not come with time and I don’t think it ever will.
As “selfish” as one is going to label me – I love my life right now. I love being able to travel and do whatever I want at the drop of a hat. My priorities right now are not caregiving and raising children. My priorities right now are nurturing my business and my life.
Guilting me won’t work and quite frankly, it’s so wrong. On many levels. So wrong. I’d rather have a child and know that I truly wanted them than to have a child just to satisfy some societal standard or to satisfy someone else’s desires. You know what that leads to? Resentment.
I don’t hate [your] kids.
Just because I don’t have kids doesn’t mean I hate your kids.
I have so many friends that have little ones and I embrace them and never mind if they’re tagging along for dinner or coming over to hang out. I love little people! I just don’t want my own.
Many women can’t have kids.
I know of far too many infertility stories of close friends.
I want to create awareness when you ask another woman, “do you have kids?” or “do you want kids?” or “when are you having kids?”
You have zero clue what their struggles may be.
I recently got asked, “are you childless by choice?”
What if I wasn’t childless by choice? What if at one point I had been trying and been unsuccessful?
What kind of wound would you have reopened or poured salt into?
Please be aware of what you ask other women.
“Is _____ getting a little brother or sister?”
This is another one I hear passively asked to a child or a mother.
They already have one child; are you trying to say that one isn’t enough?
What is it even implying?
Does everyone have to have a sibling? Is an only child such a terrible thing?
I understand the curiosity and the seemingly innocent question but again, you don’t know what this family may or may not be going through.
Stop the judgement
Everyone has their own story, their own choices, and their own opinions.
I respect that and I also ask for the same back.
I feel that as women, we have to support one another rather than bring each other down.
There is so much other shit going on in the world that my decision on not having children should really be the least of your worries.
Can I change my mind? Sure, I’ve got time.
For now? I’m happy with where I am in life and I’m happy to be childfree.
I loved this article. I don’t know why we, childless women, always feel we need to defend our choice. We don’t ask women who have many children to explain their reasoning behind it so why do people think it’s okay to question our decision.
You really touched on all the experiences we deal with on a daily basis. Bottom line, we need to be more supportive of one another whether we have children or not. No one knows the story behind the decision and it doesn’t matter. Like you, I’m happy with where my life is today. Thanks for sharing.
This is an awesome article and thanksss so much for writing it and posting it online! I know how much courage it takes to stand up against the majority mindset of today’s society (being kids oriented) as my husband & i were also constantly being bombarded with similar questions…but to be honest, it’s much tougher on the ladies/ women’s side as the general public usually questioning us women as if it’s our fertility issue causing our decision.
My husband and I had known each other since younger times…as we became a couple together throughout our university student years until now…17yrs and ongoing..soon to be two decades (wow it sounds so much longer in duration than it actually feels…feels just like yesterday!)
So I’m 37yrs old this year, he’s going to be 40yrs old and we are childfree by choice eversince Day One we are together we’ve decided but people keep asking me every now & then why don’t we have kids.
One funny incident whereby the cab/ taxi (depending which country u r from shall be addressing it accordingly) driver openly commented on me,’if only u have kids back then, they will probably be all grown up to a teenager by now…what were u thinking wasting all those years just being in a relationship without kids??’ I feel it’s funny bcos of his presumption to think this way.
Then I’ve encountered some of them sharing their worries/ challenges facing with their kids and I’m patiently listening to them but the next unexpectedly thing is they quipped,’Why don’t u have kids yet?’ I mean they were all upset with their current life having kids issue but the next minute they are trying to convince me to have kids of my own…It feels like a trap to me and I’m of course not convince at all!
There were also other instances whereby some unknown shop owner that I went for more than two visits actually told me,’your husband and u look great together…why don’t u have kids? I wonder how they would be…really look forward to it..’ so I became dumbfounded…should I take this as a compliment or what? Oh dear…
And the list goes on…what I hope to share is…everyone around us will be doubtful on our childfree decision especially when this is a lifepath that many other people didn’t choose to do it (let go the conventional mindset to have kids as their life mission…no offence but this isn’t my life mission so they should respect it as much as I respect theirs,right?), or didn’t have the chance to choose on their own (probably they were forced to have kids??)..but we did it our way. So it’s really our lives with our lifetime partner that matters most and we should not second-guess our decision once we’ve decided.
I’ve seen many people just have kids thinking to mend their broken marriage but ended up it’s still broken anyway, bcos that isn’t the root cause to their marriage tearing apart. I too seen many friends having divorced but the poor kids were now broken families and both parents pushing away responsibilities who to raise them or (equally unhealthy environment & emotional for the kids) some even fighting over who to raise them!
There’s this genius way (at least I felt it was genius the first time I hear it being articulated this way!) of saying…kids/ children are actually the third party of a marriage, and it’s so true! The fact that the kiddo is the birth result of two persons doesn’t erase the fact that the child wasn’t part of the marriage. Two person if truly loved each other didn’t begin the marriage just to have kids! (of course some marriage may have other reasons to it…married for the sake of having kids to expand business relations, family tree whatsoever) but generally modern world people we don’t..we marry for love. So once pops out a baby, the life or entire lifestyle would be so different altogether and readjustment is needed. Any wrong move would put the marriage at stakes!
Also, some having kids as their retirement plan…meaning they grow old and then wanting their kids to tend to the parents needs. How cruel is that?! I mean the minute the baby is born is to bear all the worldly responsibilities…how about the child’s real dream for his/ her life? That’s rather sad, don’t u think?
One ex-colleague of mine was ever so determine to have kids, regardless of her problematic health condition actually told me,’Michi, I feel incomplete without kids…there’s just no family for me & my husband…’ and I was confused with,’ what do u mean? U and your husband, aren’t u guys a family the minute u were married together?’
OMG…It just makes me wonder what’s wrong with today’s world. They may think we, the childfree community, is totally weird but I personally felt some other them are even weirdest than we could ever imagine.
My husband and I get to maximize our time as we are currently having and continuously expanding our business together, while we also get to travel as much as we want, and to be honest I can’t imagine myself being a mother and not having any inclination to be one. Now I’m just waiting for my age to past 40yrs whereby everyone would finally realized I really meant what Ive been saying all this while and pls won’t ever ask me again and again as it’s an irreversible choice of our own.
We pick what we love and we love what we pick! : )
P.S. Hope u didn’t mind i wrote a little longer than I thought I would…but I’m so excited to find this online article with many wonderful people sharing similar wavelengths together. Let’s encourage each other as we are still in minority but I believe the power lies in our beliefs & love for our other half.
*Pls edit out whichever you may find it lengthy as this is your online space and I would definitely understand your decision if you have to.
I’m not going to edit out this comment because I love every single point you made. Thank you for writing and it was very enlightening to read and I agree with you on sooo many points! I say a lot of what you say all the time too. Glad we are like-minded!
It is so amazing to meet another woman who shares my same mind set! It seems women who are childless by choice are out numbered by women and men who have kids for the wrong reasons. I married a man who has multiple kids with multiple women for the wrong reasons and have suffered the burden of paying for his mistakes financially as well as emotionally. I will not go on about the “masses”. I appreciate so much that you are bold enough to stand up and live you by your values and what you want for yourself and your marriage. I am so happy I never had kids. I have hot rods, play a number of sports, competed in fitness, sustained a gigantic circle of close awesome friends, travel, have a career I love, made a difference to many dog owners when I was an advance obedience instructor for 9 years in Hawaii (that’s where I’m from Oahu) and I continue to learn and practice yoga and taking care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. My life is wonderful despite being surrounded by people who are negative and aren’t happy with their own lives. I would love to be friends with you. Most of my girlfriends have kids and do not share the same mind set as me. Feel free to email me if you want to have a new friend that will enrich your life with my friendship. Aloha!
I’ll keep you in mind! I’m planning a group travel trip next year so if you follow me on Instagram, I’ll announce it there and if it works out, would love for you to come! Great way to meet like-minded folks like me and just genuine friendships.
Love the article. Same here. My boyfriend and I have been happy together for 15 years. We don`t want to get married and don`t want children. It is really hard for us because all our friends are having children and we kind of lost people to hang out and talk with. I would really like to talk with someone who has the same mind. I live in in small country in europe and I dont know many people withouth children. :-)
Thank you for this post! I needed it today after my godmother gave me the third degree about whether or not I was having kids. She’s terribly upset that I’m in a serious relationship with a man who has already done the kid thing and doesn’t want to have anymore. When I told her that I didn’t want or particularly like kids, and I was so glad my boyfriend didn’t want more kids, she told me I would definitely change my mind.
Spoiler alert: I won’t. I’m almost 34, and I’ve never been a kid person. I didn’t even like baby dolls as a child. I lost my dad two years ago to genetic vascular dementia, and I don’t want to pass on that gene. I also have an autoimmune disease, and pregnancy would be too hard on my body.
And I also just find kids exhausting. I’m an introvert, and I love my quiet time with my cat, traveling, and having the freedom to set my own schedule.
I’m glad you know what you want and just keep standing that front! I truly don’t understand the pressure for women to have kids. People are just asking us to resent kids and hate our lives when we are forced into something we DO NOT WANT. Keep on going, friend! xx
Thanks so much for this article! I am 48 and am definitely childless by choice. I respect those that need/want a child, but it isn’t for me :)
Thank you!
Dear Julie,
thank you so much for your post. I’m childless not by choice but I can relate to it perfectly. I agree with your sentence: “I feel that as women, we have to support one another rather than bring each other down.”
Thank you :-)
Léa
Thank you!!
This is a very brave blog. I am impressed with your courage to address this is such a very public way. I agree, your choices should not be anyone’s business but your own.
Thank you so much!
Julie,
Thank you for sharing your story. My wife and I have been married for over 25 years and are childless by choice. It may not be the right decision for everyone but it was the right one for us. We couldn’t be happier and are looking forward to the next 50 years together with exuberance.
So glad to hear this. I’m glad you guys are happy and thriving with your decision! xx
Thanks for your post. This is how I feel all the time. It was worse at my previous workplace where everyone had kids or either madly wanted them. I actually never told any of them that I didn’t want kids for fear of judgement and rude comments. Why is it viewed that women are not something ‘real’ unless they’ve had a kid?
Yeah, I don’t understand that at all either. I wish other women would just support other women’s decisions.
I do not understand why people make it their business as to why someone does not have kids. How do people not understand that not everyone feels the same way. Choosing to not have kids doesn’t make you selfish. People need to stop being so careless with their attempt at conversation. If it is family that says things about your decision, be honest and do not feel the need to defend your decision. You are making the adult decision to not have kids.I know there are plenty of kids who need ” adopted grandparents” I have two adult children 30 and 27. No grandkids. I do not tell them what to do. They are adults. It is their decision. My husband and I befriended a couple who moved somewhat far from home and have two littles. We help out like “grandparents” babysitting and enjoying time with them. It helps them and us! Maybe it is not the same as your own but that is OK. Not everything happens as you envisiond.
Thank you!