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I wrote this post in November 2017 and never posted it.
On one hand, I felt like I didn’t have to write an entire post to justify our decisions and on the other hand, I felt I should write something because I want to advocate for those who don’t have a platform. I want advocate for those women in the same boat as me and to bring awareness of how words matter to someone who you may not know is struggling.
It’s time to open up about our family.
I turned 30 earlier this year (again, this was written November 2017, I’m 32 now). The big milestone age that really solidifies you’re an adult and you’re getting older. It’s also the age where you get pounded with questions about when you’re having kids and whether or not it’s in your near future. It’s the age that if you haven’t had kids by now then you gotta start popping them out otherwise “it’ll be too late.”
I don’t understand why society pressures women to have children. Mainly, most women who have children tirelessly question women who are childfree. Is it a societal faux pas to not have children? Am I not contributing to society if I don’t have children? Why do women need to have children to be seen as human beings? Really, why is this such an issue in this day and age?
We all have our own stories regarding children and our desires to have them or not – including those who have struggled to have them and those who may have lost them. Everyone has a story and behind every story there is bravery and courage to tell that story. Here is my story and maybe one that someone out there can relate to as well.
From a very young age, I would always say to my mom, “I really don’t like kids, I don’t want them, ever.”
At that time, of course she would say that I would change my mind and that I’m too young to fully understand what I want and don’t want. That’s valid but I also think that that was the beginning of my childfree journey whether I knew it then or not.
Looking back at all the times I had interactions with babies as a kid, I don’t ever recall myself thinking they were cute or that I can’t wait to have one of my own to hold and nurture. I wasn’t ever really interested in babies. I let other people fawn over them and I just stood off to the side and glanced over their shoulder and pretended like I cared.
All my friends in middle school and high school started babysitting. I felt as if I was missing out so I wanted to do the same. However, my reasons were far different than their reasons. I’m sure we all did it for money but that’s all I ever wanted to do it for. I wasn’t necessarily trying to learn how to be a caregiver. In fact, my first babysitting gig went so horribly wrong (I had to call the parents and they had to end their date early) that I never did it again.
For years, even before I got married (and now divorced), I have always said to my parents that I don’t want children. They insisted I’d change my mind.
When I got a dog, you could tell they were disappointed. But they still hold on to that little glimmer of hope that one day I’ll change my mind and have children. They still think I’ll regret the decision of not having children and they still think I’ll be a great mom and how selfish I’d be if I didn’t have children.
Most parents (mine included) have a very structured and societal standard of life: college, marriage, pop out babies before you’re 30. I think I threw a complete wrench into that last “to do” and they aren’t sure how to deal with it.
Will I see grandkids before I die?
You don’t know what you’re missing out on.
You would be such a great mom; look at you with Winston!
You’re selfish if you don’t want kids.
You’ll regret it.
Is Jason okay with this decision?
Don’t worry, you’ll want them one day.
You won’t have anyone to take care of you when you’re older.
What are you going to do instead?
You know, all these hypotheticals would make more sense if I actually did want to become a mother but alas, I have no desire to. It has not come with time and I don’t think it ever will.
As “selfish” as one is going to label me – I love my life right now. I love being able to travel and do whatever I want at the drop of a hat. My priorities right now are not caregiving and raising children. My priorities right now are nurturing my business and my life.
Guilting me won’t work and quite frankly, it’s so wrong. On many levels. So wrong. I’d rather have a child and know that I truly wanted them than to have a child just to satisfy some societal standard or to satisfy someone else’s desires. You know what that leads to? Resentment.
I don’t hate [your] kids.
Just because I don’t have kids doesn’t mean I hate your kids.
I have so many friends that have little ones and I embrace them and never mind if they’re tagging along for dinner or coming over to hang out. I love little people! I just don’t want my own.
Many women can’t have kids.
I know of far too many infertility stories of close friends.
I want to create awareness when you ask another woman, “do you have kids?” or “do you want kids?” or “when are you having kids?”
You have zero clue what their struggles may be.
I recently got asked, “are you childless by choice?”
What if I wasn’t childless by choice? What if at one point I had been trying and been unsuccessful?
What kind of wound would you have reopened or poured salt into?
Please be aware of what you ask other women.
“Is _____ getting a little brother or sister?”
This is another one I hear passively asked to a child or a mother.
They already have one child; are you trying to say that one isn’t enough?
What is it even implying?
Does everyone have to have a sibling? Is an only child such a terrible thing?
I understand the curiosity and the seemingly innocent question but again, you don’t know what this family may or may not be going through.
Stop the judgement
Everyone has their own story, their own choices, and their own opinions.
I respect that and I also ask for the same back.
I feel that as women, we have to support one another rather than bring each other down.
There is so much other shit going on in the world that my decision on not having children should really be the least of your worries.
Can I change my mind? Sure, I’ve got time.
For now? I’m happy with where I am in life and I’m happy to be childfree.
Thank you for thos post!!!!!…. Am 28, not married and still figuring out my life, and some might say I still have time but a lot of people are starting to say they are “getting worried about me”, I love kids and adore them but I always said I dont see myself being someones parent. I have never had the perfect picture of having a family , am still finding my path in this world and finding who I am , and by me saying that am not being selfish but thats how I feel. We live in a society where everything is mapped out, college, career , marriage, kids then you made it. But people dont realise or tell the hard truth that is not as simple as that getting your life together , and oh that saying I hear ” baby changes everything” , or “when you die leave someone for us to remember you by”. I hear it all everyday and the guilt people give you. I think am at the age where I already made up my mind. Its a matter of just accepting it yourself so that society doesnt guilt trip you into doing something you dont want to.
yes, exactly. i think i’ve come to accept that society just isn’t going to be happy with any decision i make so i just gotta make myself happy first and that’s all that matters!
This is so great! I am single and childless (except for a fur baby) heading into the last year of my 30s. My feelings about wanting/not wanting children may have been different if I was married, but that is something I may never know. I have three beautiful nieces who I absolutely adore but have also mourned with my brother and sister-in-law over the loss of pregnancies and can only imagine what they, as parents, must be experiencing. The freedom that comes with being childless is great! And as far as who will take care of me when I am old, why do you think I spoil my nieces?!?! I am trying to pay them off now! :)
hahaha, that’s a great idea
Childless by choice at 40. People STILL tell me I will change my mind (though I do believe my parents have accepted my fur babies as their grand babies). Like you, I have never wanted kids. I love kids. I loved babysitting, but my own? Nope. I love giving kids back even more. I have always been upfront about this, as for me it was a big deal. I’ve never wanted kids.
Why is it that when little girls say they can’t wait to be moms they are supported, but when little girls say they never want to have kids, they are not?
Thank you for sharing this. While I consider this a personal choice (and would never judge others for having kids) I feel so often others want to make it their choice.
YES, i have always wondered this too. everyone supports others who want to have kids but don’t support others when they say they don’t. it’s really odd..it’s like, kids don’t have to make up your life. there is more to life for some than kids being their number one reason for living!
Perfectly said, and you and I seem to have the same thoughts – it’s just not for us, for the exact same reasons. I’ve never had interest in being a mom, and I never will. People bugged me about being a mother the entire time I was married. After awhile (of being very annoyed) my response finally came down to: “I can’t have kids.” They would reply with a shocked, “WHY NOT?!” I’d say, “Because I don’t want to.” Then I’d smirk and walk away. It’s very empowering to speak your truth, and every woman can design her own life. Cheers!
haha! omg i love that.
Thank you for sharing your story! I appreciate your candidness regarding your feelings and decision on not having children!
I also appreciate your view on the question. I was 40 when my first and only child was born! We struggled to have him. Each time the question was posed, it was like pouring salt into a wound. Even my MIL did not get it!
Not every woman, couple have a strong desire for children like many others do.
Keep posting your amazing recipes and pictures of Winston!!
thank you!! i really try to be cognizant of everyone’s struggles only because i have so many friends that have been in the boat as you.
I fully agree! I’m childless because I realized early on that I don’t have the emotional resources to take of a kid, so it’s best not to reproduce. It costs roughly 245,000 to raise a child to 18(according to Dept of Agriculture) so I certainly don’t have the financial resources for that either! Those who don’t consider first if they have these resources before having children are the ones being selfish.
oh wow, i didn’t know that (cost)!
I absolutely love that you shared this message!! My hubs and I didn’t start out childless by choice (I have PCOS and it just wasn’t in the cards). After my diagnosis I was sad because I thought that having kids was what you are supposed to do and here I was with a “broken body”. But my wonderful hubs just kind of shrugged his shoulders and said, “You know what? We’ll have an amazing life anyway; in fact, I’m not sure I ever really wanted them.” It was such a relief to hear which made me realize maybe I was not ever sure I wanted to have kids either; I just thought it was the next thing to do. We very briefly discussed fertility, but it never called to us which again was a sign to me. That was over 20 years ago, when it was less acceptable to make that decision (regardless of whether it was our decision or not) and the comments we have endured since that time have been hurtful really: “You have no idea what true love is until you have a child; Why didn’t you try fertility treatments?; Awww, how sad, kids bring so much joy!; Must be nice to be able to afford your selfish lifestyle”…I’m sure you’ve heard all of the same messages, too. I would never fault anyone for having children but it sure sucks when you’re faulted for not having them. I’m very thankful that both sets of parents completely supported our decision and we’ve never felt that kind of pressure from our families. In fact, I’m sure our siblings love that we spoil our nieces and nephews :)
And Julie, I’m here to tell you that all of these years later, the hubs was right. We have had an amazing life, and like you we get to travel and see places and do things that we likely never would have with kids. The good news is that as you get older, the comments diminish, HA! I hope that others who may be feeling the same about this decision see your message and know that they are not alone! There’s solidarity out here!
haha! thanks for your insight! i wouldn’t fault anyone for having children either so i don’t get why those can’t give the same respect! i’m so happy to hear you have an amazing life of traveling and doing all the things that you want to do to make your life fulfilling!
Everything you wrote in this post is so true. I’m a single woman in her 40s and whenever I meet someone it is one of the first things they ask – do you have children? I get that it is a question asked to get to know someone but it is always one of the first questions asked. I feel like when I say no there is such a sense of disappointment that I failed to procreate. Would I have liked to have had children – yes. But it is not something I wanted to do alone as an unmarried woman and as of today I haven’t met the guy I want to spend my life with. Can’t there be more to a woman then if she got married and had kids?
RIGHT?! can’t there be, “so, what do you do for a living?” and encouraging women to be their own bosses of their own lives? ugh, sorry you get that so often!
I think choosing to not have children is the least selfish decision you can make! Anyone who says it’s a selfish choice clearly needs to mind their own business. I love my kids and am thankful to be a mom but they suck a lot of energy, money and time. Giving that up is not a decision to take lightly. Live your best life, whatever that means for you and do so without guilt (or to others, without making others feel guilty). I’ve never understood why the whole children/no children issue is such a huge deal to others. Ugh. Great awareness post, Julie!
aw thanks Kristen! really appreciate the support! i don’t get it either but maybe this little blog of mine will draw more awareness to the topic!
Wooooooooooo!!!!!! *claps madly* Thank for sharing! For me add the fact I’m in my late 30s and NOT married. Who knows what we happen BUT IT’S MY CHOICE and at this moment I’m fine with it! Kick rocks and scram! I have a younger brother who is 12 years younger that men and hell for most of my life he had felt like my child. Add to that one parent who had a major health issue a couple years ago. Things are better now but it’s not like it was before the incident. So I have enough going on without adding a kid to the mix.
thank you! and thanks for sharing your story! everyone has a different one in their life decisions and everyone should be fine with it!