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I wrote this post in November 2017 and never posted it.
On one hand, I felt like I didn’t have to write an entire post to justify our decisions and on the other hand, I felt I should write something because I want to advocate for those who don’t have a platform. I want advocate for those women in the same boat as me and to bring awareness of how words matter to someone who you may not know is struggling.
It’s time to open up about our family.
I turned 30 earlier this year (again, this was written November 2017, I’m 32 now). The big milestone age that really solidifies you’re an adult and you’re getting older. It’s also the age where you get pounded with questions about when you’re having kids and whether or not it’s in your near future. It’s the age that if you haven’t had kids by now then you gotta start popping them out otherwise “it’ll be too late.”
I don’t understand why society pressures women to have children. Mainly, most women who have children tirelessly question women who are childfree. Is it a societal faux pas to not have children? Am I not contributing to society if I don’t have children? Why do women need to have children to be seen as human beings? Really, why is this such an issue in this day and age?
We all have our own stories regarding children and our desires to have them or not – including those who have struggled to have them and those who may have lost them. Everyone has a story and behind every story there is bravery and courage to tell that story. Here is my story and maybe one that someone out there can relate to as well.
From a very young age, I would always say to my mom, “I really don’t like kids, I don’t want them, ever.”
At that time, of course she would say that I would change my mind and that I’m too young to fully understand what I want and don’t want. That’s valid but I also think that that was the beginning of my childfree journey whether I knew it then or not.
Looking back at all the times I had interactions with babies as a kid, I don’t ever recall myself thinking they were cute or that I can’t wait to have one of my own to hold and nurture. I wasn’t ever really interested in babies. I let other people fawn over them and I just stood off to the side and glanced over their shoulder and pretended like I cared.
All my friends in middle school and high school started babysitting. I felt as if I was missing out so I wanted to do the same. However, my reasons were far different than their reasons. I’m sure we all did it for money but that’s all I ever wanted to do it for. I wasn’t necessarily trying to learn how to be a caregiver. In fact, my first babysitting gig went so horribly wrong (I had to call the parents and they had to end their date early) that I never did it again.
For years, even before I got married (and now divorced), I have always said to my parents that I don’t want children. They insisted I’d change my mind.
When I got a dog, you could tell they were disappointed. But they still hold on to that little glimmer of hope that one day I’ll change my mind and have children. They still think I’ll regret the decision of not having children and they still think I’ll be a great mom and how selfish I’d be if I didn’t have children.
Most parents (mine included) have a very structured and societal standard of life: college, marriage, pop out babies before you’re 30. I think I threw a complete wrench into that last “to do” and they aren’t sure how to deal with it.
Will I see grandkids before I die?
You don’t know what you’re missing out on.
You would be such a great mom; look at you with Winston!
You’re selfish if you don’t want kids.
You’ll regret it.
Is Jason okay with this decision?
Don’t worry, you’ll want them one day.
You won’t have anyone to take care of you when you’re older.
What are you going to do instead?
You know, all these hypotheticals would make more sense if I actually did want to become a mother but alas, I have no desire to. It has not come with time and I don’t think it ever will.
As “selfish” as one is going to label me – I love my life right now. I love being able to travel and do whatever I want at the drop of a hat. My priorities right now are not caregiving and raising children. My priorities right now are nurturing my business and my life.
Guilting me won’t work and quite frankly, it’s so wrong. On many levels. So wrong. I’d rather have a child and know that I truly wanted them than to have a child just to satisfy some societal standard or to satisfy someone else’s desires. You know what that leads to? Resentment.
I don’t hate [your] kids.
Just because I don’t have kids doesn’t mean I hate your kids.
I have so many friends that have little ones and I embrace them and never mind if they’re tagging along for dinner or coming over to hang out. I love little people! I just don’t want my own.
Many women can’t have kids.
I know of far too many infertility stories of close friends.
I want to create awareness when you ask another woman, “do you have kids?” or “do you want kids?” or “when are you having kids?”
You have zero clue what their struggles may be.
I recently got asked, “are you childless by choice?”
What if I wasn’t childless by choice? What if at one point I had been trying and been unsuccessful?
What kind of wound would you have reopened or poured salt into?
Please be aware of what you ask other women.
“Is _____ getting a little brother or sister?”
This is another one I hear passively asked to a child or a mother.
They already have one child; are you trying to say that one isn’t enough?
What is it even implying?
Does everyone have to have a sibling? Is an only child such a terrible thing?
I understand the curiosity and the seemingly innocent question but again, you don’t know what this family may or may not be going through.
Stop the judgement
Everyone has their own story, their own choices, and their own opinions.
I respect that and I also ask for the same back.
I feel that as women, we have to support one another rather than bring each other down.
There is so much other shit going on in the world that my decision on not having children should really be the least of your worries.
Can I change my mind? Sure, I’ve got time.
For now? I’m happy with where I am in life and I’m happy to be childfree.
Julie, I soooo appreciate your post on this. I feel like I’m in a weird spot in my life. 35 years old and still don’t feel a “desire” to have kids yet but in my mind, I’ve always envisioned having at least one baby but go back and forth about it because I love being able to travel and having a flexible lifestyle. But there is definitely pressure from family and friends and that internal strugggle of what I am “supposed” to do and letting people down. Ugh it’s hard when I’m on the fence! I’m sure in some ways it’s helpful to know and be confident in your decision… not wishy washy like me haha! When I’m doubt, I’ll train pugs :p
Oh Melanie, live what you love. If you’re happy and content then so be it! A baby/child may not be exactly what you need; maybe living life full of travels and flexible lifestyle for you and your husband is what truly makes you happy in life. I feel that the pressure to procreate in order to be “happy and satisfied” is such BS. What ever happened to just living your life to its fullest…with or without kids?
This was me 20+ years ago. Thanks for sharing your story. I’m in my mid-50’s now so I don’t get asked this anymore.
I’m sure the questions will eventually stop for me but it doesn’t change the fact that women still need to know to be aware!
It’s so funny how you posted this today. I had dinner with an old friend last night, and we talked about the same subject. We actually both made the decision fairly recently that we for sure don’t want kids. I’m 33. I’d be very surprised if I changed my mind. Ever since I turned 30, I’ve hated dealing with all the questions people ask me. So much pressure, and I hated questioning myself too. I think it’s rude. And you’re spot on that some people try and can’t have kids so why ask when it may upset people for a variety of reasons?! People need to mind their own damn business. And we shouldn’t have to justify. Great post – you perfectly articulated my exact thoughts.
Thanks! Yeah, I’m in the same boat…very surprised if I change my mind. We’ve got time if we do but for now, I’m happy!
Thank you for posting this! While my husband and I DO want to have children at some point, I’m 30 and was diagnosed with a major hormone imbalance and since getting married that’s all we are asked about. “So when are you having children.” Right now – it’s not even at the forefront of my mind because I need to take care of my body first so that I can even think about having a healthy pregnancy. Yeah – I’m worried about time at this point in my life, but people constantly bringing it up makes me feel sick as I’m not sure if I will even be able to get pregnant. I had to tell my mother, my mother in law and my husbands step mom all to stop asking as it was a sensitive subject for me due to my own health issues currently and that we DO want to have kids, but it may be a while depending on my body and my imbalances.
For now, we also have two little Cardigan Corgi fur babies that we love to death. They’re my reason to get up in the morning and they’re the biggest cuddle bugs when I’m having a bad day. If we can’t have children, I know being a dog mom will be my saving grace as they always know when I really need love.
Awww corgis are the best! People are so intrusive. I’m sorry you had to deal with that and tell them what was really going on against your will.
Amen!
thanks!!
Outstanding post! Thank you for honestly tackling this sensitive topic. May I add a corollary for those of us who are of Grandparent age? Please stop asking when our children are going to have their own. For the reasons you listed, it can be complicated, and IT IS NONE OF ANYONE ELSE’S BUSINESS! Thank you for letting me vent.
ah yes, i hear that one a lot too and thank you for saying it!
I’m going to forward this post off to friends who are in the CNBC community, allowing for them to weigh in, but so many of the things you talk about here have been ongoing topics throughout the infertility and loss community too.
First off, thank you for writing this post. I wish you didn’t have to write it, but we live in a world that is convinced that people who don’t procreate somehow are flawed. The truth is society needs people from all walks of life and families don’t have to look a certain way. In addition, you are obviously living a full and happy life, which is a source of confusion given the message that full, happy lives can only happen one way. Even sadder are those who check all the boxes and are clearly unhappy. Hence why your post is all the more important.
Keep living unapologetically. You are more than your uterus and your family is a beautiful one. And from someone who is an infertility survivor, I also want to thank you for pushing back on these seemingly “concerned” questions. They cause so much unneeded pain and it’s overdue that people be checked for them.
to be honest, i wasn’t sure what CNBC was at first and i had to google it and then of course the television network was the first thing that came up, lol…so for those reading, CNBC: childless not by choice.
thank you for writing and sharing your insight and story. i have finally realized i’ll never make society happy with my decisions so the best to just make me happy first. i hope your friends will weigh in!
Thank you for writing this. You don’t know what is going on in someone’s life. I myself am an only child, because I had horrible health issues when I was growing up that my parents couldn’t even imagine bringing another child into it. They wanted another child, but physically, all their attention was on making sure that I go the help I needed. My daughter is an only child so far – and unfortunately, I have had three miscarriages. I am at the point where I am questioning if I want to try again or not because I don’t know if it is physically possible (I had to have surgery last year to remove a uterine fibroid that caused the first two miscarriages…I don’t know if the scar tissue impacted the third). I know several people who desperately want a child, and it is physically impossible for them. And I know several people who, like you, are childless by choice. Everyone has their own story. And people need to mind their own business about why people have children or not, or how many they have.
thanks for sharing your story. your story is exactly why people need to mind their own business and not re-open wounds. i’m sorry to hear about your miscarriages. just do what makes you and your family happy and let that come first.
As someone who is also childless by choice, THANK YOU for speaking out. It seems like the unspoken option that everyone else judges. Also, I have also felt that it would be more selfish of me to HAVE children when I didn’t want them at all only to alleviate the judgement by others. Again, thank you for speaking out – all of our journeys are different, but they are all valid.
yes, exactly. it’s selfLESS that we chose to not have kids.
Hey, Julie- this is a great post. I’m happy to see someone defending this position. I have three kids and 7 grandchildren and we adore them. I have childless by choice friends who are so happy that I want to choke them! Vacations, beautiful homes, great social lives. We must all pave our own paths. Some have it better than others, sure, but, for God’s sake!!! It’s no ones business how we choose to live. The questions are invasive and hurtful. Keep speaking out!
thank you!!!