This post may contain affiliate links. Please read our disclosure policy.
I wrote this post in November 2017 and never posted it.
On one hand, I felt like I didn’t have to write an entire post to justify our decisions and on the other hand, I felt I should write something because I want to advocate for those who don’t have a platform. I want advocate for those women in the same boat as me and to bring awareness of how words matter to someone who you may not know is struggling.
It’s time to open up about our family.
I turned 30 earlier this year (again, this was written November 2017, I’m 32 now). The big milestone age that really solidifies you’re an adult and you’re getting older. It’s also the age where you get pounded with questions about when you’re having kids and whether or not it’s in your near future. It’s the age that if you haven’t had kids by now then you gotta start popping them out otherwise “it’ll be too late.”
I don’t understand why society pressures women to have children. Mainly, most women who have children tirelessly question women who are childfree. Is it a societal faux pas to not have children? Am I not contributing to society if I don’t have children? Why do women need to have children to be seen as human beings? Really, why is this such an issue in this day and age?
We all have our own stories regarding children and our desires to have them or not – including those who have struggled to have them and those who may have lost them. Everyone has a story and behind every story there is bravery and courage to tell that story. Here is my story and maybe one that someone out there can relate to as well.
From a very young age, I would always say to my mom, “I really don’t like kids, I don’t want them, ever.”
At that time, of course she would say that I would change my mind and that I’m too young to fully understand what I want and don’t want. That’s valid but I also think that that was the beginning of my childfree journey whether I knew it then or not.
Looking back at all the times I had interactions with babies as a kid, I don’t ever recall myself thinking they were cute or that I can’t wait to have one of my own to hold and nurture. I wasn’t ever really interested in babies. I let other people fawn over them and I just stood off to the side and glanced over their shoulder and pretended like I cared.
All my friends in middle school and high school started babysitting. I felt as if I was missing out so I wanted to do the same. However, my reasons were far different than their reasons. I’m sure we all did it for money but that’s all I ever wanted to do it for. I wasn’t necessarily trying to learn how to be a caregiver. In fact, my first babysitting gig went so horribly wrong (I had to call the parents and they had to end their date early) that I never did it again.
For years, even before I got married (and now divorced), I have always said to my parents that I don’t want children. They insisted I’d change my mind.
When I got a dog, you could tell they were disappointed. But they still hold on to that little glimmer of hope that one day I’ll change my mind and have children. They still think I’ll regret the decision of not having children and they still think I’ll be a great mom and how selfish I’d be if I didn’t have children.
Most parents (mine included) have a very structured and societal standard of life: college, marriage, pop out babies before you’re 30. I think I threw a complete wrench into that last “to do” and they aren’t sure how to deal with it.
Will I see grandkids before I die?
You don’t know what you’re missing out on.
You would be such a great mom; look at you with Winston!
You’re selfish if you don’t want kids.
You’ll regret it.
Is Jason okay with this decision?
Don’t worry, you’ll want them one day.
You won’t have anyone to take care of you when you’re older.
What are you going to do instead?
You know, all these hypotheticals would make more sense if I actually did want to become a mother but alas, I have no desire to. It has not come with time and I don’t think it ever will.
As “selfish” as one is going to label me – I love my life right now. I love being able to travel and do whatever I want at the drop of a hat. My priorities right now are not caregiving and raising children. My priorities right now are nurturing my business and my life.
Guilting me won’t work and quite frankly, it’s so wrong. On many levels. So wrong. I’d rather have a child and know that I truly wanted them than to have a child just to satisfy some societal standard or to satisfy someone else’s desires. You know what that leads to? Resentment.
I don’t hate [your] kids.
Just because I don’t have kids doesn’t mean I hate your kids.
I have so many friends that have little ones and I embrace them and never mind if they’re tagging along for dinner or coming over to hang out. I love little people! I just don’t want my own.
Many women can’t have kids.
I know of far too many infertility stories of close friends.
I want to create awareness when you ask another woman, “do you have kids?” or “do you want kids?” or “when are you having kids?”
You have zero clue what their struggles may be.
I recently got asked, “are you childless by choice?”
What if I wasn’t childless by choice? What if at one point I had been trying and been unsuccessful?
What kind of wound would you have reopened or poured salt into?
Please be aware of what you ask other women.
“Is _____ getting a little brother or sister?”
This is another one I hear passively asked to a child or a mother.
They already have one child; are you trying to say that one isn’t enough?
What is it even implying?
Does everyone have to have a sibling? Is an only child such a terrible thing?
I understand the curiosity and the seemingly innocent question but again, you don’t know what this family may or may not be going through.
Stop the judgement
Everyone has their own story, their own choices, and their own opinions.
I respect that and I also ask for the same back.
I feel that as women, we have to support one another rather than bring each other down.
There is so much other shit going on in the world that my decision on not having children should really be the least of your worries.
Can I change my mind? Sure, I’ve got time.
For now? I’m happy with where I am in life and I’m happy to be childfree.
Thank you. For speaking for those of us who have grown tired of overexplaining that we don’t want children and for making it okay. I had this conversation just last night! I’ve been pregnant and while I was okay with it, the pregnancy ended up being ectopic. While it was difficult, I was relieved. Everyone has their own story and I wish people would respect them.
Sorry to hear that! I wish more people respected our privacy, too.
You can’t hear me, but I’m cheering loudly right now. Women get asked such inappropriate questions all the dang time and I’m so over it. I’m 34 and single with no pets. 99% of the time, I’m perfectly happy with my life (occasional self-pity parties for my singleness aside). I own my own home. I’m the director of my department at work. I travel when and where I want. Life is pretty great right now. However…I get all of these questions and more (like “So are you seeing anyone yet?”…yep, they usually say yet and I give them dagger eyes). My parents, bless them, have been pretty reasonable, but are disappointed that I’m most likely not going to have children, let alone potentially not getting married. Personally, I don’t have strong feelings for or against having children myself. I love other people’s kids, but am undecided on if I want my own. AND THAT’S OKAY! Seriously, there are enough people in this world already. If I truly decide I want to become a mom, then there’s always adoption (with or without a husband). Everyone just needs to chill out and get over the preconceived societal norms of traditional families.
As long as you are happy, that is what matters. I’m glad that you are living a great life right now!
It’s a shame on society that you even felt you had to write this. But I’m glad you did because it needs to be said. I cannot think of a more personal decision that is less anyone else’s business, yet people never hesitate to try to make it their business. We have four children and we love them more than our own lives. This is what we wanted. We would never judge/question anyone for not having/wanting children, like I said it’s SUCH A PERSONAL decision. No one’s business but your own. As an aside, all our children are boys – we were beyond thrilled every time – and I can’t count the number of times people, including complete strangers (but it’s bad when ANYONE does it) have asked “are you going to try for the girl?”. They have no problem saying this loudly and right in front of our boys. I will never understand people trying to make something so private their business. Here’s hoping society’s expectations on this subject will disappear and people will MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS once and for all.
Thank you! And yes, I don’t understand why society thinks “one girl and one boy” is a “complete” family and if you have two boys or two girls, you must keep trying until you get the opposite gender. I mean, enough is enough!
Thank you for sharing this! You not having children is 1) 100% your choice and 2) No one else’s damn business!!! Being a parent is a gigantic responsibility and I applaud you for knowing what you want.
I think it’s important to note that people should be sensitive to asking such invasive questions. My husband and I were diagnosed with infertility in 2014 after trying to get pregnant for over a year. By that point we had been married for nearly 4 years and the constant barrage of “when are you going to have kids???” was one of the most painful experiences of my life. Every time someone asked about it (and most of the time, it was innocent), I felt like someone was digging a knife into my gut and twisting it. At first I would just say “we want them, we just don’t have any yet!” But after a while I just started being honest about our struggle and it’s amazing how people responded. It caught people off guard quite a bit, but I felt it was better to be honest about my situation than to continue playing along.
Although our story does have a happy ending because we did IVF and now have a 9 month old daughter, not everyone has this happy ending. I hope your post reaches people that may not realize how their words affect others and that it makes them more sensitive to this topic. I’ve definitely adjusted how I ask questions based on my experience and try to avoid these invasive questions.
You do you, boo!
I think about you so often when it comes to infertility struggles. I hope that my article resonates with people and draws awareness to that fact! Thank you, friend!
Thank you for posting this! I have 2 kids, but sometimes I feel like any other procreative choice (no kids, just one, or anything more than 3 kids) gets a lot of comments and public criticism. Jeez, I have no idea why some people can’t have the manners to keep their judgemental thoughts to themselves.
Haha, I agree! I think people just feel the need to insert unsolicited opinions all the time.
It’s like you reached into my brain and read all my thoughts before you wrote them down. I feel the same way: I’ve never had the desire to be a mother, ever since I was a kid. My biggest dreams were to get married and have a house, and I have both! I feel that having children won’t complete my life, and the unspoken pressure to have kids from friends, family and our religious community is the only thing that makes me feel bad. Maybe I will have kids one day, but maybe I won’t, and that’s up to me and my husband, period. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I truly sympathize with women who want kids and can’t have them, and I don’t think it’s right for someone like me to be automatically categorized into that group because people assume from afar that *that* is the reason I don’t have kids, which is so far from the truth. It’s my choice, and I admire you so much for telling that to the world! I had no problem telling people I didn’t want kids in my youth, but as a married Christian woman, it’s hard for me to tell others that my opinions haven’t changed since I was eleven years old. Also, to everyone who asks, my husband and I have already “started our family”: we became a family on our wedding day the second we were married to each other. :) Thank you for all that you do, Julie ❤️❤️❤️
I love that you said that in your last sentence…that you already became a family when you were married. I wish more people saw it this way!
When I saw this in my inbox this morning, it immediately resonated! Thank you for sharing. I’m one of those people who doesn’t want to have kids. I picture life with a dog instead. I don’t want the responsibility of raising them. I’m not sure I could handle it to be honest. I don’t want to be pregnant and risk being engulfed by depression or even dying. I like only worrying about myself and my needs. I’m also very career focused and want the flexibility to take advantage of new opportunities. I’d rather opt out than to have a child and screw them up because of resentment, depression, and/or regret. If that makes me selfish, fine!
I don’t get too many of the questions/comments but a small part of me fears extended family gatherings because of them. I’m not married or seeing anyone either so that’ll be lumped in too. It’s almost like people are offended that someone doesn’t want kids. I also don’t like the notion that you’re less of a woman if you don’t have or want kids. There’s more to a person than whether or not they have and/or want kids!
Yes, I completely agree with you!
Thank you for writing this much needed post. Your honesty is appreciated and I hope others take your position to heart. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors aside from the people living there. Not everyone is meant to or has the desire to raise children. There’s also others that would love to have children and for some unfortunate reason are unable to. Please, be sensitive when questioning or pushing others on this important life decision.
Thank you! I hope this draws awareness too.
Your dog is beautiful! I am not childless, but I am a widow with one child, and people kept asking why my husband and I weren’t having additional children. We were having financial and housing problems so we wanted to focus on the child we already had before that started. Now that I have her by myself, there are people who are wondering about that too, and if someone wants to have kids or not, or how many, that should be their own business.
Totally agree!
Brava, Julie! I agree with all you wrote, and I’m sorry your family doesn’t quite see eye-to-eye with you or recognize that you are MORE thoughtful to decide not to have kids (and resent them). We are lucky to live in an era where women have so many choices in life, real choices, to make an impact or to give meaning to our lives. And by meaning, we define that for ourselves: it need not be some large, sweeping gesture or commitment, just being a good person in all the small ways, touching lives in small gestures, is the stuff of most peoples’ lives. Being a parent is not the only path to meaning or self-worth. I prefe to tell people that I am child-FREE, because I feel lucky to have the choice, on many levels. Also, the “who’s gonna take care of you when you’re old” question is silly: nothing guarantees that children will care for their older parents, and it’s a terrible, selfish reason to have kids, right?? Besides, my cats will be much easier to manage through their teen years!
YES. Nothing guarantees that your child will take care of you. I think it’s pretty selfish to have kids just so they’ll take care of you because well…a lot of kids just shove their parents into a nursing home anyway, lol…anyway, thanks!