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I wrote this post in November 2017 and never posted it.
On one hand, I felt like I didn’t have to write an entire post to justify our decisions and on the other hand, I felt I should write something because I want to advocate for those who don’t have a platform. I want advocate for those women in the same boat as me and to bring awareness of how words matter to someone who you may not know is struggling.
It’s time to open up about our family.
I turned 30 earlier this year (again, this was written November 2017, I’m 32 now). The big milestone age that really solidifies you’re an adult and you’re getting older. It’s also the age where you get pounded with questions about when you’re having kids and whether or not it’s in your near future. It’s the age that if you haven’t had kids by now then you gotta start popping them out otherwise “it’ll be too late.”
I don’t understand why society pressures women to have children. Mainly, most women who have children tirelessly question women who are childfree. Is it a societal faux pas to not have children? Am I not contributing to society if I don’t have children? Why do women need to have children to be seen as human beings? Really, why is this such an issue in this day and age?
We all have our own stories regarding children and our desires to have them or not – including those who have struggled to have them and those who may have lost them. Everyone has a story and behind every story there is bravery and courage to tell that story. Here is my story and maybe one that someone out there can relate to as well.
From a very young age, I would always say to my mom, “I really don’t like kids, I don’t want them, ever.”
At that time, of course she would say that I would change my mind and that I’m too young to fully understand what I want and don’t want. That’s valid but I also think that that was the beginning of my childfree journey whether I knew it then or not.
Looking back at all the times I had interactions with babies as a kid, I don’t ever recall myself thinking they were cute or that I can’t wait to have one of my own to hold and nurture. I wasn’t ever really interested in babies. I let other people fawn over them and I just stood off to the side and glanced over their shoulder and pretended like I cared.
All my friends in middle school and high school started babysitting. I felt as if I was missing out so I wanted to do the same. However, my reasons were far different than their reasons. I’m sure we all did it for money but that’s all I ever wanted to do it for. I wasn’t necessarily trying to learn how to be a caregiver. In fact, my first babysitting gig went so horribly wrong (I had to call the parents and they had to end their date early) that I never did it again.
For years, even before I got married (and now divorced), I have always said to my parents that I don’t want children. They insisted I’d change my mind.
When I got a dog, you could tell they were disappointed. But they still hold on to that little glimmer of hope that one day I’ll change my mind and have children. They still think I’ll regret the decision of not having children and they still think I’ll be a great mom and how selfish I’d be if I didn’t have children.
Most parents (mine included) have a very structured and societal standard of life: college, marriage, pop out babies before you’re 30. I think I threw a complete wrench into that last “to do” and they aren’t sure how to deal with it.
Will I see grandkids before I die?
You don’t know what you’re missing out on.
You would be such a great mom; look at you with Winston!
You’re selfish if you don’t want kids.
You’ll regret it.
Is Jason okay with this decision?
Don’t worry, you’ll want them one day.
You won’t have anyone to take care of you when you’re older.
What are you going to do instead?
You know, all these hypotheticals would make more sense if I actually did want to become a mother but alas, I have no desire to. It has not come with time and I don’t think it ever will.
As “selfish” as one is going to label me – I love my life right now. I love being able to travel and do whatever I want at the drop of a hat. My priorities right now are not caregiving and raising children. My priorities right now are nurturing my business and my life.
Guilting me won’t work and quite frankly, it’s so wrong. On many levels. So wrong. I’d rather have a child and know that I truly wanted them than to have a child just to satisfy some societal standard or to satisfy someone else’s desires. You know what that leads to? Resentment.
I don’t hate [your] kids.
Just because I don’t have kids doesn’t mean I hate your kids.
I have so many friends that have little ones and I embrace them and never mind if they’re tagging along for dinner or coming over to hang out. I love little people! I just don’t want my own.
Many women can’t have kids.
I know of far too many infertility stories of close friends.
I want to create awareness when you ask another woman, “do you have kids?” or “do you want kids?” or “when are you having kids?”
You have zero clue what their struggles may be.
I recently got asked, “are you childless by choice?”
What if I wasn’t childless by choice? What if at one point I had been trying and been unsuccessful?
What kind of wound would you have reopened or poured salt into?
Please be aware of what you ask other women.
“Is _____ getting a little brother or sister?”
This is another one I hear passively asked to a child or a mother.
They already have one child; are you trying to say that one isn’t enough?
What is it even implying?
Does everyone have to have a sibling? Is an only child such a terrible thing?
I understand the curiosity and the seemingly innocent question but again, you don’t know what this family may or may not be going through.
Stop the judgement
Everyone has their own story, their own choices, and their own opinions.
I respect that and I also ask for the same back.
I feel that as women, we have to support one another rather than bring each other down.
There is so much other shit going on in the world that my decision on not having children should really be the least of your worries.
Can I change my mind? Sure, I’ve got time.
For now? I’m happy with where I am in life and I’m happy to be childfree.
I am a mother and would never encourage someone to have children ??. I definitely still ask woman who I have just met while chatting “do you have kids”, mainly just out of curiosity. I really think a lot of people just don’t know what to say. Even when you are pregnant. When I am pregnant I don’t typically don’t look super pregnant. I can not even tell you how many times woman would say “wow, you don’t look pregnant”. I would say “well I am”?? I think people want to connect and don’t know how to a lot of times. Thank you for sharing such a personal side of your life. It is wonderful a and appreciated.
Haha, that’s funny; thanks for the honesty! Yeah, I do think deep down people want to connect but society is struggling a bit in that department!
Hi Julie I am Pooja from India, I really appreciate your decision for not having babies. I am also one among like you I am 33 got married 2010,me and my husband decided that not to have kid. And that time I know I made a right choice, I am not feeling bad or having any regrets on this things. Our society, people who never understand some things. They just think to live a good life. We need to have babies, but that is not exactly what I think. For me to live healthy good life we can focus on our work, health and taking care of our parents. To live happy life first we should happy our self and focus on our work. In my Appartment I am seeing few retire uncle aunty, they have there own children but no one is living with them because each child is different among other and all of them are settled in abroad. In India people think once they become old there children will take care but right now bitter truth is no child is taking care at all. When parents need help from there children they are helpless sometimes. This generation children they are just making use of there parents for baby sitting, doing some house work, and just look after there things. I don’t appreciate this kind of attitude Julie. So i don’t believe that I should have child to live happily. I also help my relatives when they need my care I also like other kids that doesn’t mean I don’t like kids at all. And last thing people think who will take care of our property, our money etc…. My friend she ask me I said I can happily give to charity. It will go some who needs very badly. I am happy to choose child free and I really appreciate ur decision Julie. I am with you and sharing few things with you. I am happy helping people who need my help, I donate money for orphanage and spend some good time with those kids who don’t have there parents. Julie we don’t have to prove anything to society or people it is all created. We are the creator of our destiny. With lots of love Pooja. Thank you for giving this opportunity to share things with u Julie ???
Thanks so much for sharing, Pooja. It was really nice to read and I agree, we are definitely the creator of our destiny and we should always choose happiness.
Hi Pooja and Julia, I’m from Bangladesh on same platform. In my country, the concept of childfree by choice is totally weird thing.I can’t share my view with anyone even with my very close friend ( as they all have their children) except my husband . Sometimes I would thought that “am I ok? As I don’t feel any urge to be a mother! After reading your article I’m feeling that I’m not alone and there are many more like me? . Thanks again for the article.
Best wishes
Sabina
Recommend reading “Why have kids?” By Jessica Valenti written by a new mother. Also the anthology “Selfish, shallow and self absorbed” by Megan Daum; I didn’t like it but a worthwhile read for obtaining a different perspective.
Thanks!
Thank you for writing this! You’re right about everything. People can be insensitive when talking about this. I just turned 29 years old and people are already making stupid remarks about my childlessness. Also, the men I’ve recently dated over the past two years casually bring up wanting to have children and ask me if I want to reproduce very early on in dating. It’s creepy! I’m not sure why it’s happened so many times. Maybe because of my age? Having friends bringing it up is annoying, but it’s even worse when coming from dates; unremarkable dates I dump just a few weeks after. Just because I’m 29 does NOT mean I want to procreate NOW. I personally find this very inappropriate to bring up, especially in the early phases of dating. When brought up so early I feel like I am seen as a potential function, not a human being. It isn’t attractive at all. I’m only willing to have children with a great guy. A guy who’ll be interested in getting to know ME, not a desperate guy with an agenda to make his parents happy.
I’m not desperate to settle down with just anyone!
Ew, that’s totally creepy! YES, to exactly what you said — you’re a human being and not just a reproductive machine to satisfy someone else’s agenda.
Actually I don’t mind asking about kids early on. I asked my now partner within the first two weeks (he was a definite ‘no kids’, thank goodness). I figure it cuts out a lot of people and saves time, instead of perhaps falling in love and then so far down the track you realise you have totally different visions of the future. Far easier to share the same opinion on kids from the outset, just the way I see it!
I love everything about this article with the exception of one thing.. If we’re not having kids by choice we are childfree, not childless. Child LESS implies that we are lesser than, as if our lives are lesser for not having children, when in fact this couldn’t be further from the truth. We are free from children, because this is the life we chose for own reasons. Considering having a child in the U.S. is now upwards of $300,000 by the time they turn 18, we are free from that financial burden. We are also free emotionally, worrying about another being you are responsible for 24/7 is not something all of us want to take on. What if they’re born with a disability, what if they die young by accident or suicide, what if they grow up to hate you even though you sacrificed your entire life for them? These are emotional burdens we are also free from. Thank you for writing this article so people know that this is a choice many women are finally making!
Hi, sorry I chose the wrong word.
Your whole post pretty much echoed my exact sentiments. I’m 50, so no one is hinting or bugging me about children anymore, but what you said is exactly where I was (am) at. I like hanging out with my husband and pets. Maybe I’m selfish, but I just didn’t see any baby magic in me. Thanks for posting!
Thanks! No, you aren’t selfish for wanting to live a happy life.
Thank you so much for this post. My husband and I also do not want children. People have said that I’ll change my mind. I won’t. I am lucky that my parents fully accept this decision and don’t pester me about it. I am also lucky that my girlfriends accept it. I just wish society at large respected the choice.
I agree! I wish society just accepted that women are evolving and they can speak/think for themselves and don’t have to be mothers to be worth something.
Thank you for posting this article. It popped up as a suggested read from Google chrome. Anyway, more women need to speak up about how they don’t need to pop out kids in order to live a fulfilling and meaningful life. People get so wrapped up in the notion that if they don’t breed they’ve failed at life. In reality there are so many other ways to contribute! You’re caring for your dog. I have 2 cats and work in the health care field. If that stuff isn’t meaningful then I’m not sure what is.
May I offer a suggestion? Instead of calling yourself “childless” as less would sound as though you’re missing out on something, perhaps go with “Childfree”. Sure it’s just semantics but a suggestion nonetheless.
Again thank you for the post. :)
Thanks, I wound up changing it to childfree instead of childless!
Great article. I’ve always felt the same way. I think my parents have resigned to the fact that we don’t want kids. We are happy with our life and have a great family. Thanks for sharing.
I’m glad to hear this! Thanks for writing.
YES!!! 100%YES!!! I’m 34 years old, my husband is 41, and we’ve been married for just over 11 years. Luckily both of our parents are totally cool with us just being dog parents. They just want usto be happy and to live out lives however we want to. There are some people that are shocked that we don’t have kids by now though. Even people who I’ve flat out told we are not having kids are suprised we don’t have any yet. I don’t care what people think about our decision, but the comments they make and questions they ask just boggle my mind. Do they think they will change my mind for me? By them asking “who will take care of you when your old?” I’ll be like “holy crap, you’re right! I better have some kids quick, raise them for 18 years, spending millions for all of their needs, tuition, medical, sports, etc, so they can take care of me some day!! Great idea!” Like what in the heck? Is that an actual reason people have kids?! A few years back, a coworker (who has 2 kids and has questioned me on my childless by choice decision) asked me what I was making for our potluck the next day. I always bake and bring stuff in so I told her I didn’t think I would make anything this time. Her exact words were “it’s not like you have anything better to do”, referring to the fact I don’t have kids and I can spend my evenings how I want. She went on to list all of the activities her kids had going on that night and the places she had to chauffeur them around and stuff, saying that she was bringing food in for the potluck. Why are so many women like this? Why does it offend others that I don’t have kids? Would it be ok for me to tell someone they really ought to stop having kids? Yeah, didn’t think so. Oh and the “it’s selfish not to have kids” argument is insane to me. Selfish? Nah, I’m self aware. And as for regrets, I’d much rather regret some day that I didn’t have kids, rather that regretting I had them. That’s not fair to the kids at all. Ugh, I’ll stop, but thank you for this post!!! I hope it makes women think about the things they say to other women about having or not having children.
Omg, how rude of your coworker. I really feel sometimes that women don’t know what is coming out of their mouths when they say stuff like this. It’s kind of like they’re emitting some sort of jealousy (that they don’t have enough time or something) and they’re dolling it out on us who are childfree. In any case, thank you for writing! I hope women read it and take a step back and think before they speak next time.
Yes, I’m 64 and I also get the “who will take care of you when you’re old, comments. Realistically, any kids I might have had would probably have moved out of state, for career reasons or such. Even if not, they’d be much too busy working to care for parents on a daily basis. Women staying at home to care for others hasn’t been a thing in my area for decades. My husband and I bought long-term care insurance when we were in our 40s.