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I wrote this post in November 2017 and never posted it.
On one hand, I felt like I didn’t have to write an entire post to justify our decisions and on the other hand, I felt I should write something because I want to advocate for those who don’t have a platform. I want advocate for those women in the same boat as me and to bring awareness of how words matter to someone who you may not know is struggling.
It’s time to open up about our family.
I turned 30 earlier this year (again, this was written November 2017, I’m 32 now). The big milestone age that really solidifies you’re an adult and you’re getting older. It’s also the age where you get pounded with questions about when you’re having kids and whether or not it’s in your near future. It’s the age that if you haven’t had kids by now then you gotta start popping them out otherwise “it’ll be too late.”
I don’t understand why society pressures women to have children. Mainly, most women who have children tirelessly question women who are childfree. Is it a societal faux pas to not have children? Am I not contributing to society if I don’t have children? Why do women need to have children to be seen as human beings? Really, why is this such an issue in this day and age?
We all have our own stories regarding children and our desires to have them or not – including those who have struggled to have them and those who may have lost them. Everyone has a story and behind every story there is bravery and courage to tell that story. Here is my story and maybe one that someone out there can relate to as well.
From a very young age, I would always say to my mom, “I really don’t like kids, I don’t want them, ever.”
At that time, of course she would say that I would change my mind and that I’m too young to fully understand what I want and don’t want. That’s valid but I also think that that was the beginning of my childfree journey whether I knew it then or not.
Looking back at all the times I had interactions with babies as a kid, I don’t ever recall myself thinking they were cute or that I can’t wait to have one of my own to hold and nurture. I wasn’t ever really interested in babies. I let other people fawn over them and I just stood off to the side and glanced over their shoulder and pretended like I cared.
All my friends in middle school and high school started babysitting. I felt as if I was missing out so I wanted to do the same. However, my reasons were far different than their reasons. I’m sure we all did it for money but that’s all I ever wanted to do it for. I wasn’t necessarily trying to learn how to be a caregiver. In fact, my first babysitting gig went so horribly wrong (I had to call the parents and they had to end their date early) that I never did it again.
For years, even before I got married (and now divorced), I have always said to my parents that I don’t want children. They insisted I’d change my mind.
When I got a dog, you could tell they were disappointed. But they still hold on to that little glimmer of hope that one day I’ll change my mind and have children. They still think I’ll regret the decision of not having children and they still think I’ll be a great mom and how selfish I’d be if I didn’t have children.
Most parents (mine included) have a very structured and societal standard of life: college, marriage, pop out babies before you’re 30. I think I threw a complete wrench into that last “to do” and they aren’t sure how to deal with it.
Will I see grandkids before I die?
You don’t know what you’re missing out on.
You would be such a great mom; look at you with Winston!
You’re selfish if you don’t want kids.
You’ll regret it.
Is Jason okay with this decision?
Don’t worry, you’ll want them one day.
You won’t have anyone to take care of you when you’re older.
What are you going to do instead?
You know, all these hypotheticals would make more sense if I actually did want to become a mother but alas, I have no desire to. It has not come with time and I don’t think it ever will.
As “selfish” as one is going to label me – I love my life right now. I love being able to travel and do whatever I want at the drop of a hat. My priorities right now are not caregiving and raising children. My priorities right now are nurturing my business and my life.
Guilting me won’t work and quite frankly, it’s so wrong. On many levels. So wrong. I’d rather have a child and know that I truly wanted them than to have a child just to satisfy some societal standard or to satisfy someone else’s desires. You know what that leads to? Resentment.
I don’t hate [your] kids.
Just because I don’t have kids doesn’t mean I hate your kids.
I have so many friends that have little ones and I embrace them and never mind if they’re tagging along for dinner or coming over to hang out. I love little people! I just don’t want my own.
Many women can’t have kids.
I know of far too many infertility stories of close friends.
I want to create awareness when you ask another woman, “do you have kids?” or “do you want kids?” or “when are you having kids?”
You have zero clue what their struggles may be.
I recently got asked, “are you childless by choice?”
What if I wasn’t childless by choice? What if at one point I had been trying and been unsuccessful?
What kind of wound would you have reopened or poured salt into?
Please be aware of what you ask other women.
“Is _____ getting a little brother or sister?”
This is another one I hear passively asked to a child or a mother.
They already have one child; are you trying to say that one isn’t enough?
What is it even implying?
Does everyone have to have a sibling? Is an only child such a terrible thing?
I understand the curiosity and the seemingly innocent question but again, you don’t know what this family may or may not be going through.
Stop the judgement
Everyone has their own story, their own choices, and their own opinions.
I respect that and I also ask for the same back.
I feel that as women, we have to support one another rather than bring each other down.
There is so much other shit going on in the world that my decision on not having children should really be the least of your worries.
Can I change my mind? Sure, I’ve got time.
For now? I’m happy with where I am in life and I’m happy to be childfree.
Thank you so much for writing this. I’m in the same boat. I’ll be 32 this year and have never felt a desire to be a mother. Even as a young kid, when playing “house,” I wanted to be a sister, never the mom. Sometime during my high school years, I realized with striking clarity that I did not want to have kids, and that has not changed since. People ask me why, and I can’t really explain it, which they find dissatisfying. But when people say “I really want kids,” nobody asks those people why — it’s just a fact you know about yourself that’s taken at face value. So shouldn’t my truth, my self-understanding, be accepted as well? It’s the same issue, just a different outcome. But that result makes people uncomfortable because it dares to be different.
People keep telling me that I’ll change my mind because I’m too young to know what I really want… But the funny thing is, nobody told me I was too young to know what I really wanted when I picked my college major (15 years ago), went to graduate school (12 years ago), or got married (6 years ago). So either I’m somehow getting dumber and less in touch with myself as time goes on, or that argument is B.S.
I’m sure you’ve heard this one too: “It’s different with your own kids. You can’t understand it now. You’ll feel differently when you have them.” I always laugh at this line of argumentation. I don’t have to be a doctor to know that it’s not for me. Yet nobody is telling me to go to medical school because I’ll surely change my mind once I experience how wonderful being a physician is!
And yes, the “You’re so selfish to feel that way” one is royally misguided. Parents and non-parents alike can be selfish or selfless. To categorically assume that all parents are selfless saints and non-parents are not is flat out wrong. Or did I miss something and Mother Teresa was a horrible, egocentric person? Hmm.
Bottom line: You know yourself best. Those who criticize are likely projecting their own insecurities onto you. The worst thing you could possibly do is have a child because of social pressure, and then hate your life and resent the kid. Stay true to what you know about yourself. You’re not alone!
It’s such a double-standard when it comes to those questions. We never are allowed to question mothers about why they had kids and yet they can keep pressing us childfree women about having kids and how we will change our minds. It’s like they want to drag us into misery with them or something. YES. I hear the argument ALL the time, “it’ll be different with your own.” I hear it from my mother too but honestly, if I don’t FEEL the pull or love for having a child..I think I’m just going to resent it and think how much of a pain the kid is. Thank you for sharing!
I’m glad you are standing behind your decision to be Childfree. My husband and I have been married for 30 years and never had any children. We didn’t start our marriage with the intent of not having any, it just never seemed like it was “the right time”. when I turned 40 we had the “talk” about kids and he said if I was o.k. with not having any, so was he. We have never looked back. When I was younger and people would question me, I would always say I was ChildFree by choice. I didn’t like the term Childless because that implied that I was missing out on something. I have never felt deprived due to our decision. I have several nieces and nephews and already have one of them lined up to “take care of me” when I get old! Enjoy your life and NEVER let anyone make you feel guilty or tell you that you’re being selfish. People make their choices in life and live with them accordingly.
Thank you so much! I am definitely learning slowly to live with my choices and happy with them!
Thanks for writing this. :) I’m 31, and I’ve known for about 15 years that I don’t want to have kids. My boyfriend (aged 41) had children very young, and he lost custody of them both. That ship sailed a long time ago for him, and he does not want any more. It works out very well– we are supportive of each other’s wishes, and our relationship is better because of it. We’ve been together for 9 years.
I was an only child, and there were rarely babies around for me to babysit or spend any time with. I always found them a bit scary and annoying, (still do, as a matter of fact). I also did not get along with most children, even when I WAS a child. I had a wonderful childhood, but like many onlies…I fit in better with my elders.
In my teens, I grew to hate babies and small children. To me, they represented shackles, a removal of choices, and the loss of self.
I’m a librarian now. It was a struggle for many years to do story-time for little kids, and to enjoy it whatsoever. Over the course of 5 years, I have learned to put on a convincing performance for them, at least for a couple of hours. I can even enjoy it, when everything goes well. Spending time with them has both softened my outlook, and solidified my resolve. I no longer hate them, but I do not want them. At all.
I am grateful that I do not have to wear that mask 24-7, and that we live in a society that allows me the privilege of choosing my own destiny. There’s nothing more satisfying than the look on women’s faces when I tell them “NO. Not interested.”
But that’s exactly what it is, right? They give us a look of shock when we say we aren’t interested in having kids and they keep pressing us about it. Like they want us to join them in misery. But then if we were to ever question other mothers on why they decided to have kids…then we would be met with a face of disgust…like how dare we ever ask such question! It’s such a double-standard.
This drives me crazy. I recently turned 38 and any time we have a family event or if I happen to run into people my parents know I get asked: “when are you getting married so you can give your mom grandkids?” I’ve always openly commented “I don’t want kids” as politely as possible but I always get the “you’ll change your mind” response. I do not understand why people feel like they are allowed to ask this question or deserve a response. I love other peoples kids but I have no interest in having my own. I’ve even started telling people “I’m selfish with my time and money” because at this point I really don’t care what they think of me and I’m tired of being asked. I always thought it was a southern thing, to be asked about babies, but I’ve come to realize it’s really not. People are just nosey and they feel as if they have a right to ask such personal questions. It’s ridiculous.
Yep, it’s definitely an ‘everyone’ thing where you constantly get asked. I truthfully don’t understand why. Do we ask mothers with children, “why did you have kids?” – that’s essentially the equivalent of what they are asking us. And if we ever did, they would give us a disgusted look like, “how dare you even question such thing.” Double standard, really.
Hear, hear sister!
I had a brief moment in life when I tried to have a child but it didn’t happen. I was 38 and heard all of the same things that you heard, including from my OB GYN (I moved onto another after the harping became too much) both before and after trying. I love children but was not driven to have them. There was still a pang, though, to have folks continue to ask.
I believe that, while it’s perfectly natural to want to have children, we have to acknowledge that we have a population problem on this planet. Not that you should have to argue it but I find it selfish that we as a species should continue to have children without consideration of this on the whole. Those of us not having children should be acknowledged for our contribution. With that said, I love all of my wonderful little cousins, nieces, and nephews and they bring me great joy.
Good on ya!
Thanks for the support, Kristin! Thanks for sharing your story, too!
I’ve known since I was 7 that I don’t want kids. Contrary to what people still tell me at 34, I’m not changing my mind. I have many reasons, not that I need them. I’m anxious and I don’t want to pass that on to my children. I like the financial stability and freedom that my childless life affords me. I lost my own mother when I was a child and couldn’t imagine doing something like that without her. Whenever I spend time with my nephew, who’s four, I have a good time but find myself mentally exhausted by the need to be in kid mode for too long, to speak at his level and prioritize my attention on him. I don’t want my life to like that all the time. How is that selfish? Wouldn’t it be more selfish if I brought a child into the world if I believed I wasn’t capable of giving it a thousand percent?
I highly, highly recommend the book Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on The Decision Not To Have Kids edited by Meghan Daum.
Thank you! I ordered the book!
I want to say thank you for writing this! I’ve felt so alone and its nice to know I’m not. I know my husband feels the time pressure but the outside pressure and questions are literally only asked to me! Thank you for this.
Thank you and you definitely are NOT alone!
Thank you for responding, Julie! I do fear about the potential resentment… at the same time I am in such a complex situation right now, that only the nature can take its call and convey to him that we will not have kids. You will think, I am contradicting myself, but sometimes I start believing that all will be good once I give birth. As many pointed out, there is just so much burden having kids and my husband himself realizes that, he also almost declares ‘let us stop treatment’ when he sees me in pain.. but then the next time we are my doctor’s office; there is always new hope!
Honestly, sometimes I myself do not know what is my true wish.
Thanks for letting me pour my heart our. Love, Prajakta
Wow! I have been reading through some of these comments and it really is amazing that you shared something so personal which makes other people share their stories and some are so like my own! Initially I was not childless by choice but because I had to have a hysterectomy. I won’t say it wasn’t hard at the beginning for me because it was although I was not that type of person who dreamed of being a mother all her life. I only really started planning on having a family at the age of 33. After my medical issues people started saying we could adopt or use a surrogate but we came to terms with the fact that if it wasn’t meant to be naturally then we would accept it and move on and live our life as a couple (and as an aunt and uncle and godmother and godfather). I soon came to realize that I really was ok with it and in fact have at many stages thought that I am glad we don’t have children in this day and age with so much going on in the world. I am positive that people can have a wonderful life without kids!
Thanks Ines and thank you for sharing your story!
Hi Julie, a big thank you for this post! I read it as soon as you posted it yesterday, since I saw you wrote about it on Instagram, but glad I did not comment immediately since I got to read some other perspectives too. I am 37 and have been struggling with infertility for past 4-5 years. I got married when I was 31 (my husband is of the same age, in fact 15 days younger to me). As soon as we were married, many people including my husband were asking about the ‘good news’. I have suffered an early miscarriage exactly at the same time last year and then multiple failed attempts at various treatments including IVF.
I never really liked children and always thought them to be nuisance (I used to ask my mother why she brought me to life – I used to hate being a kid although I was always a well behaved one if I can say so myself!!), and have had zero maternal instinct – and I know it is not abnormal. However, my husband thinks otherwise and says I will be a great mother. Even after going through all the possible treatments, I still doubt if I should procreate.. I used to be a rebel and still am in many aspects of life, but I can’t say no to my husband for many things- I do whatever I do for his happiness.
I have two frozen embryos from my last IVF stint and we may transfer them in June/July. And I don’t know if that will be successful either. It is so stress-inducing to always stay in the uncertainty and that too against your own will. I am sincerely doing all this only for my husband – I feel scared if I will love my child if at all I make one through all what I have gone through.
I just want to say so many things – but there are so many other things mixed up in my case..in laws, relatives, society, finances.. I am just hoping to get out of all this – whether its a kid or no kid for me. I just wish my doctor announces that we are done…and then I am ready to take on life as it comes!
I so wish more people become aware of these issues and the couples/females are not judged based on whether they had kids or not… whether its India or America, our society needs to be inclusive of all types of people.
Enjoy your best life!! <3
Thanks for sharing your story. Your story of doing whatever you do for HIS (your husband’s) happiness makes me sad. I think you should consider your happiness too because otherwise you’re going to be resentful in life. You’ll resent your husband for wanting kids and you’ll resent your potential child. I think you should talk to him about this; although, I am no professional..I just think that open lines of communication is always a good thing. The fact that you hope your doctor says you are done is really telling…I think there is something underlying that you need to share with your husband. Not to sound crass or rude but he’s not the one enduring all these painful treatments and being poked and prodded. You don’t sound very happy “i am sincerely doing all this only for my husband” – while you should want to make your spouse happy; it should be returned as well. He should know these feelings you’re feeling and your happiness shouldn’t suffer just because you want to make him happy. There will always be one suffering in the relationship if it’s imbalanced like that.
Anyway, thank you for opening up. I wish you the best of luck. <3